I've seen this post before, but the message is definitely worth repeating. Popular media has for years romanticized the idea that "no" just means "try harder." How many love songs talk about the guy "winning" the girl's heart? Like it's some kind of competition and the guy is somehow entitled to her if he does the right thing(s) or just keeps at it?
Yeah I wrote it back in about 2016 and it also had a lot of examples from women interspersed throughout. It was the most popular blog post I ever wrote, with over a million views. I decided to cut the personal stories because a lot of them were really triggering for people, and it had been years since I'd had permission, and just kept my verbiage, updated a bit. Now that my blog is no more I figured this piece still needed to be out there, so I decided to publish it again.
You are doing important work. We don't talk enough about how the media we consume contributes to rape culture. One in three women experiences some sort of sexual harassment. Let's continue to have proactive conversations with our brothers, sons, fathers, and, oh yeah, the uncle at the Thanksgiving you are about to see, about male privilege, entitlement, and the fact that women owe us nothing. Please pass the dressing and the sweet potato pie this way, thank you.
Both things make us feel shame..not that it's our fault for being women, but just because it's degrading and you don't want anyone to know about it (as if it were "our fault", which it definitely is not, but it's hard not to have that feeling when it happens).
This needs to be taught in schools, sex ed classes (is that still a thing?), soccer practice, basically anywhere boys and young men are in thrall to their Hormone Monsters. Get them while they’re young is the only way to make changes to the patriarchal, misogynistic society we live in.
I taught a rape culture unit in my school every year when I taught. So many conversations with students after, before, during class about things they were experiencing. When we empower our students, we really empower our future. I’m not sure with folks pressed hard about books in libraries will we ever see a day where this is taught widespread in schools.
Parents should be teaching their sons how to treat girls/women. If the family is full of toxic masculinity, it will perpetuate. Young men are not being taught how to be human. Men who cry are mocked. Men who reach out for help when they're experiencing mental illness or emotional distress are mocked. That's what has to stop. Too many men feel as though they are proving their masculinity by tormenting the 'weaker' among us, usually women. That's toxic as fuck. And it seems to be getting worse. FAR worse.
James, Thank you for not being that guy. I appreciate you, your posts, and your perspective. Fuck all "those guys" who think any woman owes them. I dream of a world where my daughter (She's 4 now) won't have to be made to feel like property, or where she won't have to fear saying no to men. But I know it's not going to happen. It's heartbreaking. But it feels nice to read posts like this that remind me that there are still many good men in the world. Keep spreading the message. We need all the help we can get.
I (60F) work on a military base as a civilian. I volunteer, along with other civilians, some of whom are retired military, disabled military, or former military (veterans all). I'm not sure what the common thread is, and I don't mean to insinuate that it's the military. However... some of these guys are the absolute *worst* when it comes to entitlement with the women there, myself included. I work with--and am dear friends with--a very well-educated, strong, street-smart, world-wise woman. She also happens to be extremely attractive. My goodness, what they put this poor woman through. It's a long, convoluted, UGLY story, and I'll spare the details. But because these "men" have lifetime passes as retired/disabled military, they canNOT be restricted from the base. And the choir-boy captain who is the bigshot decision-maker refuses to restrict them from the organization premises within the base. It got so damn ugly. They targeted my friend (and me for being her friend and standing steadfastly at her side) because she refused to kowtow to them. And with a lack of support from Captain Choirboy, either she could put up with the harassment and do what she loves, or surrender what she loves just to gtf away from them.
I know it. It's absolutely shameful, and military leadership not only looks the other way, when they actually *are* apprised of a sexual harassment situation, they pretend they don't know anything. It truly is disgusting.
Oh my gosh, this is so true. I had a six month internship at a military hospital. And I was pregnant. You wouldn’t believe how many of these army men told me I should be at home and constantly berating me. It was awful. Ugh.
Thank you! From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! You truly get it, and you are "standing up" for women, in the best, most audible, way. THANK YOU, for saying out loud what we women have said innumerable times, to only have our voices carried off in the wind. Thank you, for hearing us, and for caring for us in the best of ways. THANK YOU!
It permeates our culture. Calling it out is the only way to even realize it’s there sometimes. Also, it isn’t about blaming or a guilt trip. We are all a product of it. Just own up to the impact the behavior has and vow to change it. Whether you’ve done it and need to change or call it out in others. Especially be aware of the internal voice that echoes these types of views. We can all do better. #Respect
Oh my gosh... love this so much! I’m 65 years old and I still just learned how to articulate these facts from reading this article! Thank you so very much!
I've seen this post before, but the message is definitely worth repeating. Popular media has for years romanticized the idea that "no" just means "try harder." How many love songs talk about the guy "winning" the girl's heart? Like it's some kind of competition and the guy is somehow entitled to her if he does the right thing(s) or just keeps at it?
Yeah I wrote it back in about 2016 and it also had a lot of examples from women interspersed throughout. It was the most popular blog post I ever wrote, with over a million views. I decided to cut the personal stories because a lot of them were really triggering for people, and it had been years since I'd had permission, and just kept my verbiage, updated a bit. Now that my blog is no more I figured this piece still needed to be out there, so I decided to publish it again.
Glad you did! Shared it on FB. I was actually thinking about this yesterday--funny (and not in a good way) how many songs make me cringe these days.
Thank you
This is so perfectly stated that I cannot think of a single comment.
You are doing important work. We don't talk enough about how the media we consume contributes to rape culture. One in three women experiences some sort of sexual harassment. Let's continue to have proactive conversations with our brothers, sons, fathers, and, oh yeah, the uncle at the Thanksgiving you are about to see, about male privilege, entitlement, and the fact that women owe us nothing. Please pass the dressing and the sweet potato pie this way, thank you.
Spot on Marc, something I always try to remember is: it's not enough just to treat women well. We have to work to make sure all men treat women well.
Oh I’d say every woman has experienced sexual harassment. One in three have experienced sexual assault - and honestly, it could be more than that.
Both things make us feel shame..not that it's our fault for being women, but just because it's degrading and you don't want anyone to know about it (as if it were "our fault", which it definitely is not, but it's hard not to have that feeling when it happens).
This essay should be mandatory high school curriculum.
This needs to be taught in schools, sex ed classes (is that still a thing?), soccer practice, basically anywhere boys and young men are in thrall to their Hormone Monsters. Get them while they’re young is the only way to make changes to the patriarchal, misogynistic society we live in.
Thank you, James.
I taught a rape culture unit in my school every year when I taught. So many conversations with students after, before, during class about things they were experiencing. When we empower our students, we really empower our future. I’m not sure with folks pressed hard about books in libraries will we ever see a day where this is taught widespread in schools.
Parents should be teaching their sons how to treat girls/women. If the family is full of toxic masculinity, it will perpetuate. Young men are not being taught how to be human. Men who cry are mocked. Men who reach out for help when they're experiencing mental illness or emotional distress are mocked. That's what has to stop. Too many men feel as though they are proving their masculinity by tormenting the 'weaker' among us, usually women. That's toxic as fuck. And it seems to be getting worse. FAR worse.
James, Thank you for not being that guy. I appreciate you, your posts, and your perspective. Fuck all "those guys" who think any woman owes them. I dream of a world where my daughter (She's 4 now) won't have to be made to feel like property, or where she won't have to fear saying no to men. But I know it's not going to happen. It's heartbreaking. But it feels nice to read posts like this that remind me that there are still many good men in the world. Keep spreading the message. We need all the help we can get.
I (60F) work on a military base as a civilian. I volunteer, along with other civilians, some of whom are retired military, disabled military, or former military (veterans all). I'm not sure what the common thread is, and I don't mean to insinuate that it's the military. However... some of these guys are the absolute *worst* when it comes to entitlement with the women there, myself included. I work with--and am dear friends with--a very well-educated, strong, street-smart, world-wise woman. She also happens to be extremely attractive. My goodness, what they put this poor woman through. It's a long, convoluted, UGLY story, and I'll spare the details. But because these "men" have lifetime passes as retired/disabled military, they canNOT be restricted from the base. And the choir-boy captain who is the bigshot decision-maker refuses to restrict them from the organization premises within the base. It got so damn ugly. They targeted my friend (and me for being her friend and standing steadfastly at her side) because she refused to kowtow to them. And with a lack of support from Captain Choirboy, either she could put up with the harassment and do what she loves, or surrender what she loves just to gtf away from them.
What would you do? :(
Rape culture in the military is absolutely a thing. It's been a boy's club for millenia and embodies toxic masculinity.
I know it. It's absolutely shameful, and military leadership not only looks the other way, when they actually *are* apprised of a sexual harassment situation, they pretend they don't know anything. It truly is disgusting.
Oh my gosh, this is so true. I had a six month internship at a military hospital. And I was pregnant. You wouldn’t believe how many of these army men told me I should be at home and constantly berating me. It was awful. Ugh.
I just can't bring myself to 'like' this comment. But I can imagine what they put you through. Seriously, whatever happened to "Live and Let Live"? :/
Generations of women who’ve been assaulted are hoping this message gets through.
Thank you! From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! You truly get it, and you are "standing up" for women, in the best, most audible, way. THANK YOU, for saying out loud what we women have said innumerable times, to only have our voices carried off in the wind. Thank you, for hearing us, and for caring for us in the best of ways. THANK YOU!
Thank you for getting it. This shit is dangerous and exhausting.
Everyone needs to buy into this.Boys and girls are treated differently from birth. Better now than when I was growing up but there’s a long way to go.
It permeates our culture. Calling it out is the only way to even realize it’s there sometimes. Also, it isn’t about blaming or a guilt trip. We are all a product of it. Just own up to the impact the behavior has and vow to change it. Whether you’ve done it and need to change or call it out in others. Especially be aware of the internal voice that echoes these types of views. We can all do better. #Respect
Impressive. It’s shocking and worrying how films and media portray relationships… amongst the most famous show/films. Equality exists only on paper.
I absolutely wholeheartedly agree with you James, it's not enough just to treat women well. We have to work to make sure all men treat women well.
Oh my gosh... love this so much! I’m 65 years old and I still just learned how to articulate these facts from reading this article! Thank you so very much!
Thank you for this.
Thank you.