She Doesn't Owe You Sh!t
Enough with the male entitlement
She doesn’t owe you shit.
Why are you telling her to smile? Are you owed a smile? No, you are not. You aren’t owed shit.
She doesn’t owe you a smile, a wave, her phone number, a date, a second date, a kiss, a blowjob, or a fuck. It doesn’t matter if you complimented her, bought her drinks, took her to dinner, gave her a ride, or made her a fucking mix tape. She doesn’t owe you shit.
Even if you married her and paid for everything it doesn’t give you possession over her body. Slavery is illegal, and marital rape has been against the law in all 50 states since 1993.
I keep saying “you,” but perhaps it’s not you, because Not All Men, right?
For the truly good men, realize that I’m using the royal “you” in this context for effect. If you too are sick of the way women are treated like pretty things to be possessed, please keep reading., because you have a job to do.
She doesn’t owe you an explanation as to why she doesn’t want to go out with you. She doesn’t owe you conversation. When you catcall her, she is under no obligation to act appreciative or even acknowledge your presence, because she doesn’t owe you shit.
She shouldn’t have to explain that she has a boyfriend, or make one up. “No” is a complete sentence, not the beginning of a negotiation process. If you continue to pursue her, she doesn’t have to eventually give in to your “charms.”
This isn’t what you’ve been conditioned to expect. You watched Leonard pursue Penny on Big Bang Theory and it worked out for him. Kevin James had two beautiful women to choose from in Zookeeper and has a hot wife in King of Queens. The nerd got the girl in Revenge of the Nerds via outright rape. Guys getting the girl via relentless stalking has happened innumerable times in movies. Getting back to the banging on Big Bang Theory, the weasel-like Howard has a hot wife and in one episode the overly nerdy Raj is alternating between the beds of two beautiful women.
It’s enough to make any guy thinks the world owes him a model or three. But it doesn’t owe you something, and neither does she.
Many women live in fear of guys who pursue them, and many are practiced in deescalating. They’ve been hassled and catcalled and groped and stalked and even assaulted. They’ve been told to smile and insulted for their looks and called a bitch and a slut and told to loosen up … and much, much worse.
They have been treated like possessions by strangers as well as by men they know so many times that their lives can’t help but be affected by it. Some are desensitized, and others become hypersensitive. So, what can you, the good man, do about it?
Stop turning a blind eye. Believe what women say and admit that rape culture is a real thing. Call it out wherever you see it. Don’t be a bystander to such harassment. Make the harassers feel harassed and perhaps they’ll rethink their behavior.
Be an ally to women, not just another adversary. They get enough shit from police and security guards and church leaders and parents and significant others who think they were asking for the abuse. Don’t participate in victim blaming.
Put the blame where it belongs: on the perpetrators.
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I've seen this post before, but the message is definitely worth repeating. Popular media has for years romanticized the idea that "no" just means "try harder." How many love songs talk about the guy "winning" the girl's heart? Like it's some kind of competition and the guy is somehow entitled to her if he does the right thing(s) or just keeps at it?
You are doing important work. We don't talk enough about how the media we consume contributes to rape culture. One in three women experiences some sort of sexual harassment. Let's continue to have proactive conversations with our brothers, sons, fathers, and, oh yeah, the uncle at the Thanksgiving you are about to see, about male privilege, entitlement, and the fact that women owe us nothing. Please pass the dressing and the sweet potato pie this way, thank you.