I'm Just So F*cking Tired
And I don't know when it will end
Ugh. That’s just it. Fucking ugh. I try to be uplifting but some days that’s all there is to say. And how can I complain? I have an awesome job that pays well, a loving family, and we’re all healthy. But still, I complain, because I am worn the fuck out.
I used to have stupid amounts of energy to motivate myself to run outside in -30C, and now it can be +10 but it’s kind of cloudy and there is a wind, so I don’t wanna. It used to be that my only worry was my career, and I was full of hustle because I was sure one day, I was going to make it big. I earned okay as a fitness / motivation writer, but I wanted more.
Then I switched to history and got way more. Comparatively speaking, I’ve made it big. The book has sold like a mofo and there is a new one coming and then another book after that and I have no end of ideas of shit to write about; I’ll die from old age before I run out of writing opportunities. And between Substack and self-publishing I have the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want, and it will pay. I am no longer beholden to pitching anything to anyone and hoping they’ll go for it. It’s fucking awesome and I love it. That’s not what the problem is.
To quote from The Green Mile, “I’m tired of people being ugly to each other.”
No, I’m not welcoming death like John Coffey did. This isn’t a cry for help. I’m fine, or least I’m well enough. I’m just fucking exhausted from what Trump (and conservative politicians in general) combined with Covid have done in both destroying and polarizing society.
The last time I remember feeling good about the fate of the world was November 4, 2008. It was the day Obama was elected president. I wrote a story about it and it’s in my book. America actually elected a Black man by a wide margin. His message had been one of hope, whereas his opponent kept using the word “fight,” and people chose hope. Obama’s inauguration was a love fest. I though perhaps the world was changing for the better.
Except it fucking wasn’t. A month after Obama was sworn in, the fucking Tea Party became a national movement. Even Sarah Palin herself said, “The Tea Party Movement wouldn’t exist without Barack Obama.”
To a significant degree, Obama gave us Trump. His crime was his skin color. There was a sizeable portion of the U.S. population that could not abide a Black man in the White House, so they chose an orange one.
Obama was far from perfect, but he got re-elected and that felt good too. Speaking of far from perfect, Trudeau ousted conservative dickcheese Stephen Harper in October 2015 and that also felt good. But that was also when things went to shit. 2015 was when Trump started a serious run for president, and he won by negative three million votes.
I’m not even American and the day Trump won the presidency was one of the worst days of my life. Bear in mind I’ve never lost anyone close to me, so I’ve never experienced the shattering grief of losing a close relative or friend. The only times I can remember feeling that shitty was when I was 16 and my girlfriend, who was I deeply in love with, dumped me out of the blue, and when I was 22 and my dog died.
I’m an educated man; I knew Trump’s victory was going to be a horror. It was a nightmarish four years and it’s not over.
I don’t think he’ll be president again. I don’t think he can win in 2024. I hope I’m right about that. I’m not sure he’ll run, rather only alluding to it as part of a scam to bilk more idiots. But the damage he did prevails. The hatred boiled over and never went away. It permeated other nations; Canadians were infected. We always had plenty of bigots here too, but Trump emboldened them in my country the same way he did in the U.S. I wish the KFC would just hurry up and do its job. Curse the effectiveness of Lipitor.
And then, Covid.
I published a subscriber-only piece last June titled “The Horrifying Alternate History Where Covid-19 Never Happened”. You want to talk the motherfucker of all silver linings? If you missed the piece, the silverest of lining was that Trump’s botching of the Covid response is what cost him re-election. There is an abundance of evidence that, had Covid never happened, that fucker would have gotten a second term.
How the fuck am I supposed to feel about that? Millions dead. They say it’s over 6 million officially, but there are a lot of smart people saying it’s more like four times that. After only two years of pandemic, we’re about a third of the way to ALL World War II deaths, and it’s still going.
Would I want to live in a world where Covid never existed, but Trump was still president? That is an impossible question to answer. I just don’t fucking know.
Because even without Trump in power shit still sucks, and I’m not even talking about the pandemic yet. Putin invading Ukraine might give us World War III. Conservatives are becoming more brazen in setting themselves up to steal elections. The planet is on fire. Gas prices are going to cost the Democratic Party the midterms because people are fucking stupid …
And people are like yeah we’re tired of the pandemic let’s just stop worrying about it and take a “let them die” approach like Reagan did with AIDS. And the freedumb convoy bullshit that is really just an excuse to proclaim one’s white supremacy.
There is no point to this post. It’s a gripe. I’m just tired. The mental and emotional fatigue from the last few years has received ample study. It’s real.
I guess I’m saying it’s okay to be tired. I still can’t motivate myself to work out near as much as I used to, or to plan meals as well. Grocery shopping wears me out when I used to like it. I’d rather have a bout of diarrhea than go to Costco.
I know a lot of people reading this feel the same way.
I see you. I understand.
This post was originally only for paying subscribers, but several people asked me to make it public so they could share it with others. So, please feel free to share. If you want access to more stuff like this, click the green button.
And don’t forget to buy my sweary fucking history books ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY SH!T WENT DOWN.
Several paying subscribers asked if I could make this public so they could share it with others, and I have done so. Share away.
Just like every other human being who had to live through all those other tumultuous times throughout all of history. Except that the difference this time is that we know about all of the horrors all over the world with constant updates every minute of the day. And also multiple very real planet-wide existential threats unfolding simultaneously. There has actually never been a moment quite like this in all of human history. Be nice if life could be boring again for a change.