Will There Be Another U.S. Civil War?

Like many things, it depends

Let’s say that Scooby Coup goes to prison. Will there be Civil War Redux: The Racists Are At It Again? Eh, probably not. The most likely civil war scenario is the one where Eric’s dad wins the 2024 election.

For my master’s thesis in history, I studied rebellion and revolution. And while history is not science and it laughs at most attempts to force it into patterns, the current state of the union is not one that is indicative of the country erupting into a civil war just because the Manchurian Cantaloupe sees some fucking justice. Shit can definitely go sideways and get worse, but it’s not going to be putting Danger Yam behind bars that incites it.

Say Coppertone Caligula loses the election and by some fucking miracle actually gets sentenced to a lengthy prison stay. That would be fucking glorious, wouldn’t it? I would dance a goddamn jig while showering in some expensive champagne. Anyway, it’s a certainty that the fans of the orangutan oligarch would be ever so pissed. And they’re heavily armed. Armed and angry is not a good combination.

But will they go to war? Almost certainly not.

The reason is simple: They’re not desperate. Their children aren’t starving. Their villages are not burning, their women not mass raped, their men not relentlessly slaughtered. As much as these alabaster asswipes imagine they are oppressed and they’re losing the war on Christmas and going through a “great replacement,” they really aren’t. They can drink their Bud Light and stuff KFC in their face and drive their lift-kitted Dodge Rams and watch NASCAR and pretend to read the Bible and shriek about the libtards on social media as much as they desire. They are not oppressed; they are not desperate. They are comfortable, relatively speaking.

And comfortable people don’t go to war if they can help it.

Guerrilla warfare is a fucking nightmare. Instead of sleeping in a cozy bed, you’re on the ground. Instead of eating take-out, it’s often rodents and roots and whatever else your starving ass can scrounge. Never mind the fact that people are trying to kill you all the time. It’s a wretched existence of pain and exhaustion and fear and hunger and death. Not to mention that an AR-15 ain’t gonna do shit against a drone with Hellfire missiles.

I don’t know too many fans of Cadet Bone Spurs willing to endure that. They are Not. Desperate. Enough. They got all whipped up into a frenzy for a day on January 6, and then when that didn’t result in instant insurrection gratification they went home. Until they started getting arrested, that is.

There may be increased violence. There almost certainly will be, especially racially motivated violence, if their jaundiced Jesus goes to prison. But it won’t be organized rebellions. It will be sporadic and almost always individual. Like some QAnon nutburger who thinks children are being sold into sexual slavery, so he burns down a Black church because reasons. White supremacy has invaded police forces, and you know a lot of them are not going to take a Tangerine Palpatine prison term lying down; minorities will pay with their lives for that ire.

What about the military? While there are certainly a lot of Agolf Twittler fans among the enlisted, the brass doesn’t care for him too much. The upper echelons of the U.S. Armed Forces are a proud and educated lot dedicated to upholding the constitution. I expect very few would be willing to go down in history as being responsible for the end of American democracy, such as it is. These are folks who pride themselves on following the rules, and they will likely do so.

But what if the jackass-o-lantern wins the 2024 election? Not only that, but what if the Republicans also take both houses? Well, then ‘Murica could be in some serious shit. Have you heard of this Project 2025 bullshit? It’s basically a plan to give Donny Crappleseed autocratic powers should he win in 2024.

If the dayglo taint stain wins in 2024, he will be president for life.

The orange shitgibbon going to prison doesn’t translate into civil war, but him winning the next election could, because then millions of people will truly become a lot more desperate. Despotic Needy Amin rule and no more elections? Yeah, I could see that starting an actual war.

And the only way to ensure that doesn’t happen is to vote Democrat. So please do that.

Those who cannot remember the past … need a history teacher who says “fuck” a lot. Get my sweary history book On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down.

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