My first serious boyfriend was relentless. He would climb up onto the roof of our house and into my bedroom. I was terrified someone would hear us. He took my virginity. It hurt.
When he began pressuring me to get birth control pills I was finally able to say no.
Why can't/don't we say no right away, in the moment?
I was only fourteen. I had caring parents, my father was an honest, gentle man. I don't think they ever considered I would be in a situation where I would need a "no" to protect myself.
This is why, when my daughter was about seven years old, I taught her to say, to scream: "Get your fucking hands off me."
My granddaughters, who are 5 and 2 1/2 have already been taught to yell "STOP IT" if they are uncomfortable with someone touching them. I like your idea better.
There are a lot of sick men in this story. I wrote about this on Substack, an essay called, "Don't Undress Her With Your Eyes, Undress Her With Her Consent," with a picture of Annabella Sciorra. I led in with that walking horror, Harvey Weinstein.
This story is absolutely right....if she doesn't want the drink, that's it...tell her, "Have a pleasant evening." If she doesn't share your feelings for her, "I understand. Have a pleasant evening." That's it.
I've only heard of two women who have openly and publicly talked positively about their sexual experiences in life: actress Dana Delaney, who told an interviewer how she set up the seduction of her teenage boyfriend to lose her virginity, and singer/actress Courtney Love, who told another interviewer that after her daughter Frances Bean Cobain, her favorite thing in the whole world was sex.
The rest have given horrible stories about abuse, attempted or completed rape, sexual violence, and molestation.
It makes me feel that men are sick. It also makes me nervous -- as a decent chap who DOES NOT want to violate women -- at the very idea of asking a woman out or into an intimate situation, not wishing to make her uncomfortable and fearful of me.
I don't want to become a monster. I don't want to add to the problem.
Third: Nicole Narain, the Playboy Playmate. She admitted on the Dr. Phil show that she has a "sex addiction," and once spent an entire day doing nothing but pleasuring herself. He went into some kind of treatment.
Fourth: Madonna. She has made sex a gigantic part of her operation, complete with publishing a raunchy book of her in a nymphomaniac persona. However, I think she's more marketing than mania for sex. Furthermore, she has admitted that she was raped on a Lower East Side rooftop when she was living there, early in her musical career.
You know, that was before I'd ever heard the term "sexual harassment" and I worked in a male-dominated environment. Plus, as a single mom, I was terrified of losing my job. If it was today, I would definitely get him fired for that.
Tried refusing the advances of boyfriends and 2 husbands (including current). Aquiesed just to get them to leave me alone, silently crying the whole time. They never noticed or cared if they did.
I was raped on a date in college. We were at a local state park, and we'd flirted all day, and it was fun. There was some heavy petting, but I told him I didn't want to have sex. I said no repeatedly and with growing terror, but he pushed me down on the back of his jeep bed. He finished, pulled out, announced, "Now you can say you've had anal unwillingly," like it was some sort of badge of honor, and drove me back to my dorm. I never saw him again.
I've lost count of the boyfriends who considered no a soft yes with enough wheedling. I have given in so many times just so I could sleep, or get up to go to work, or whatever, because it would take less time to just say yes and let them do it than it would take to deal with the hell they would put me through that would end in me having sex anyway just so it would end.
Then there was my son's father who would push me down in a drug fueled haze whether I said no or not, go until he was finished, and then fall asleep on top of me so that I was trapped for hours. When I could finally get up, I'd usually end up on my side of the bed, crying. When I finally left him, he tried to find someone to kill me. I left the state.
Let's not forget the stalker that I briefly dated, who walked into my house when I left the back door unlocked and wouldn't let me out of my own living room until I not only explained to him why we weren't ever getting back together while he wheedled, but then I had to threaten to call the cops with the phone in my hand just to get him to leave. I lost count of the phone numbers and puppet Facebook accounts of his that I've blocked over the years.
I taught my sons that “stop means stop” and “no means no.” It confounded them when they told bullies at school to STOP and they didn’t stop. And teachers wouldn’t intervene.
I feel sad when I think about the culture in this day and age: bullies seem to get ahead by tromping on the rest of us who aren’t bullies.
It’s the bullies who need to be stood up to and stopped.
I think women are trying but all our best efforts get negated at puberty when role models switch to immature peers, male asshats on social media and poorly behaved male family members.
my 2 sons would never dream of doing what many have done. Their Dad would have never not heard a NO and understood it. My sons are my legacy to the world for being the good guys.
My heart is broken for all the women and girls whose “no” didn’t stop assaults and abuses too numerous to count. Thank you for this reminder that we all deserve to have our voices heard and respected.
I was 15, it was 4 days after I lost my virginity to the guy I had been dating for 3 years. We were at a house party, and he broke up with me. I got really drunk, but felt safe because I was with a friend who referred to me as his sister. "Brother" friend told me I could crash at his place. I woke up for a split second with him on top of me. I tried reporting it the next day while I was still drunk (and likely drugged), and was told I was "just regretting a bad decision I made while drinking." I had sex with him one more time shortly thereafter to try to prove to myself I wasn't raped. I'm in my 40s now and he tried adding me on social media a couple years ago.
This should be fucking required reading, especially for all men. For bears, it’s optional. Thank you.
And two of these guys are sitting on the Supreme Court. That’s how much this country cares about women.
My first serious boyfriend was relentless. He would climb up onto the roof of our house and into my bedroom. I was terrified someone would hear us. He took my virginity. It hurt.
When he began pressuring me to get birth control pills I was finally able to say no.
Why can't/don't we say no right away, in the moment?
I was only fourteen. I had caring parents, my father was an honest, gentle man. I don't think they ever considered I would be in a situation where I would need a "no" to protect myself.
This is why, when my daughter was about seven years old, I taught her to say, to scream: "Get your fucking hands off me."
My granddaughters, who are 5 and 2 1/2 have already been taught to yell "STOP IT" if they are uncomfortable with someone touching them. I like your idea better.
I am so fucking furious. To all my sisters: IT IS ALWAYS HIS FAULT.
There are a lot of sick men in this story. I wrote about this on Substack, an essay called, "Don't Undress Her With Your Eyes, Undress Her With Her Consent," with a picture of Annabella Sciorra. I led in with that walking horror, Harvey Weinstein.
This story is absolutely right....if she doesn't want the drink, that's it...tell her, "Have a pleasant evening." If she doesn't share your feelings for her, "I understand. Have a pleasant evening." That's it.
I've only heard of two women who have openly and publicly talked positively about their sexual experiences in life: actress Dana Delaney, who told an interviewer how she set up the seduction of her teenage boyfriend to lose her virginity, and singer/actress Courtney Love, who told another interviewer that after her daughter Frances Bean Cobain, her favorite thing in the whole world was sex.
The rest have given horrible stories about abuse, attempted or completed rape, sexual violence, and molestation.
It makes me feel that men are sick. It also makes me nervous -- as a decent chap who DOES NOT want to violate women -- at the very idea of asking a woman out or into an intimate situation, not wishing to make her uncomfortable and fearful of me.
I don't want to become a monster. I don't want to add to the problem.
The world is sick enough.
I found a third and maybe a fourth:
Third: Nicole Narain, the Playboy Playmate. She admitted on the Dr. Phil show that she has a "sex addiction," and once spent an entire day doing nothing but pleasuring herself. He went into some kind of treatment.
Fourth: Madonna. She has made sex a gigantic part of her operation, complete with publishing a raunchy book of her in a nymphomaniac persona. However, I think she's more marketing than mania for sex. Furthermore, she has admitted that she was raped on a Lower East Side rooftop when she was living there, early in her musical career.
She's 62 now.
I told my male boss about other men harassing me and his only answer was "if you're going to get raped, call me so I can watch."
Holy sh*t. 😞
I really got nothing, that is just horrible.
Also, I can totally believe it based on the ecosystem of middle management i have experienced in tech for almost 30 years now
Jesus fucking Christ. :(
Fucking asshole! I hope you were able to report him and get something done.
You know, that was before I'd ever heard the term "sexual harassment" and I worked in a male-dominated environment. Plus, as a single mom, I was terrified of losing my job. If it was today, I would definitely get him fired for that.
I'm so sorry. This was the case with so many of us single Moms - and they took advantage of it.
When I was 15, I was babysitting for a couple I'd say for several times.
When they got home, they were fighting and he tore the phone off the wall when she tried to call someone to come get her.
He drove me home, but stopped a mile from my house and demanded I kiss him. I said I didn't want to, and he said I wasn't going home until I did.
He tried for at least five minutes, begging, pleading and wheedling.
I told him if he didn't stop, I would tell my dad.
He dropped me off without another word and I never sat for them again.
They got divorced, but now he's a popular businessman in the community.
W
EVERY SINGLE WOMAN HAS A SIMILAR STORY ABOUT SAYING "NO". EVERY.FUCKING.ONE.
Or dozens
Tried refusing the advances of boyfriends and 2 husbands (including current). Aquiesed just to get them to leave me alone, silently crying the whole time. They never noticed or cared if they did.
I was raped on a date in college. We were at a local state park, and we'd flirted all day, and it was fun. There was some heavy petting, but I told him I didn't want to have sex. I said no repeatedly and with growing terror, but he pushed me down on the back of his jeep bed. He finished, pulled out, announced, "Now you can say you've had anal unwillingly," like it was some sort of badge of honor, and drove me back to my dorm. I never saw him again.
I've lost count of the boyfriends who considered no a soft yes with enough wheedling. I have given in so many times just so I could sleep, or get up to go to work, or whatever, because it would take less time to just say yes and let them do it than it would take to deal with the hell they would put me through that would end in me having sex anyway just so it would end.
Then there was my son's father who would push me down in a drug fueled haze whether I said no or not, go until he was finished, and then fall asleep on top of me so that I was trapped for hours. When I could finally get up, I'd usually end up on my side of the bed, crying. When I finally left him, he tried to find someone to kill me. I left the state.
Let's not forget the stalker that I briefly dated, who walked into my house when I left the back door unlocked and wouldn't let me out of my own living room until I not only explained to him why we weren't ever getting back together while he wheedled, but then I had to threaten to call the cops with the phone in my hand just to get him to leave. I lost count of the phone numbers and puppet Facebook accounts of his that I've blocked over the years.
I am so very sorry.
Therapy is a really good thing.
Horrific stories, all too clearly all too common, pervasive, the rule rather than the exception. Worse than I'd feared 😨 😪
Sorry, ladies, you deserve so much better, by far the most of you. 💔
I made all 4 of my daughters take Tae Kwan Do until they earned black belts. I just don't trust men although nothing ever happened to me personally.
Hear, hear! Wisdom has entered the chambers!
Why aren’t we teaching our sons the meaning of the word, no?💔
I taught my sons that “stop means stop” and “no means no.” It confounded them when they told bullies at school to STOP and they didn’t stop. And teachers wouldn’t intervene.
I feel sad when I think about the culture in this day and age: bullies seem to get ahead by tromping on the rest of us who aren’t bullies.
It’s the bullies who need to be stood up to and stopped.
Agree with you.
I think women are trying but all our best efforts get negated at puberty when role models switch to immature peers, male asshats on social media and poorly behaved male family members.
my 2 sons would never dream of doing what many have done. Their Dad would have never not heard a NO and understood it. My sons are my legacy to the world for being the good guys.
I said No. Didn't matter....
My heart is broken for all the women and girls whose “no” didn’t stop assaults and abuses too numerous to count. Thank you for this reminder that we all deserve to have our voices heard and respected.
I was 15, it was 4 days after I lost my virginity to the guy I had been dating for 3 years. We were at a house party, and he broke up with me. I got really drunk, but felt safe because I was with a friend who referred to me as his sister. "Brother" friend told me I could crash at his place. I woke up for a split second with him on top of me. I tried reporting it the next day while I was still drunk (and likely drugged), and was told I was "just regretting a bad decision I made while drinking." I had sex with him one more time shortly thereafter to try to prove to myself I wasn't raped. I'm in my 40s now and he tried adding me on social media a couple years ago.
I am so sorry. This sounds awful. 💔
Two of my rapists also tried to friend me on social media. WTF with these guys