To My Fellow Air Travelers: This Is Why You Suck

Well, not you. You're cool.

We’re all in agreement that United sucks, right?

We are entering holiday travel season, and I avoid United whenever possible. I accept that stuff like staffing and weather and putting the safety of many people into a metal contraption with countless moving parts built by the lowest bidder and hurtling it through the troposphere at hundreds of miles per hour can result in delays. It sucks, but you just have to file in under “shit happens” and try your best to deal with it. Except with United. They seem to go out of their way to make you miserable.

However, it is a lack of basic human decency from my air fellow travelers is of far greater annoyance, for two reasons. First, there are countless insensitive jackwagons on every flight, and second, IT DOESN’T HAVE TO FUCKING BE THIS WAY, YOU BRAINLESS ASS MONKEYS!

Let’s be clear: The “you” I’m referring to is actually “them.” You’re cool because you’re reading this post. You’re one of the air travelers people should aspire to be more like, here to get your rage on about these cancerous chuds.

Anywayfuckingway, I talked to some folks to come up with a comprehensive list of air travel grievances. I know it’s still a couple of days until Festivus, but it IS the darkest day of the year in the northern hemisphere so fuck it, let’s get dark. If you are a regular air traveler, I hope you find this read cathartic.

Hygiene, people. It’s a fucking thing.
Listen up, you brainless fucknut. We’re about to spend some significant time in close proximity to one another in a shared-air sick tube, and I don’t want to see it snowing on me inside the plane because you never heard of a thing called Head and Shoulders. And everyone would appreciate it if you bathed at least as often as the plane got a safety inspection. Also, DO IT AT HOME FIRST! The plane isn’t the place to think, Oh, now would be a great time to clip my toenails.

I am often afraid of flying because I don’t like the idea of the two-minutes of impending-doom-filled screaming as we hurtle toward the earth just shy of Mach 1 because a lightning strike tore an entire wing off and people are screaming and trying to scribble “I love you” notes to their families on highly flammable cocktail napkins while converting from atheism.

But toenail guy? I was hoping for that lightning to hit just so I could have the peace of mind knowing that fucker was gonna burn too.

The best scent is no scent
Hey, Madam Miasma. People are actually allergic to that mosquito repellent you call perfume. Others just think it’s horrible. Also, young fella? Life is the opposite of an Axe Body Spray commercial. It makes women run away, not toward.

Your dumbass luggage fuckery
Oh, shit. So much dumbfuckery. Better bullet point this:

·       “Hi. I don’t like checking bags because reasons. But I’m also incapable of packing light. Would you mind helping me fit this armoire into the overhead bin?”

·       “Everyone else is supposed to put their second bag under the seat, but I rushed the front and as my reward I get to put both bags and my winter coat and purse and dog carrier up top because I’m special.”

·       “I’m going to wear this bulky backpack and do pirouettes in the aisle and bash people in the head all while being completely oblivious to the multiple concussions I just caused.”

·       The person in front of me thinking their luggage goes into my foot space. I. DON’T. FUCKING. THINK. SO.

The infectious ingrates
Covid changed everything. If you’re sick, DON’T FUCKING FLY!

Additionally, wash your hands, use hand sanitizer, and sneeze / cough into your elbow pit. Not your hand. Fucking elbow pit.

And don’t forget about influenza. It’s one of the biggest killers in the developed world after Covid, yet some people feel they just gotta get where they need to go despite being infected with a highly contagious and potentially lethal disease.

Get your fucking flu shot. And your Covid shots. And vaccinate your damn crotch goblins so we don’t end up like that poor flight attendant who went into a deep coma after contracting measles. You know measles, right? That disease we pretty much totally eradicated not long ago until someone decided their precious Braydawn and Bryttaneigh were too special to expose to that nasty old LIFE-SAVING VACCINATION.

The unnecessary seat yanker
I’m not going to shame those who need to do this. It’s a reality that some people physically must pull on the seat in front of them to get out of their seat. It’s a cramped space and it can be difficult to stand and work your way across a row of seats relying only on the armrests. If that’s you, go ahead. Try to minimize the disruption, and take care not to pull anyone’s hair, but you get a pass.

It’s the fucker who obviously doesn’t need to do that but yanks on the back of my chair like he’s jerking off a rhinoceros. That’s the fucknut I want to punt in the taint. There are also the ones who are strolling down the aisle with nary a hint of turbulence but feel the need to yank on the back of every goddamn chair as they pass. Can we just airlock those cockwaffles?

The midnight talker
“I know it’s pitch black out and the flight attendants have dimmed the cabin lights and ended all service, but I want to tell you this detailed story at maximum volume about this fish I caught …”

The creep
It’s an aircraft, not a night club. Leave her the fuck alone.

Fart
Yeah. Not much more needs to be said. Except for this: “Don’t.”

The fragrant foodie
Bringing your own food onto the plane is allowed, but opening a can of tuna? Satan is watching and shuffling papers on his desk and thinking, Shit. I’m not even sure we have a level of Hell for people who do that.

Ignorant of armrest etiquette
Listen to Jim Jeffries. Middle seat gets both armrests. “We’re not fucking animals. We live in a society.”

“Get me out of here!”
To requote Jim: “We’re not fucking animals. We live in a society.”

When it’s time to get off the plane, we deplane by rows. The entire fucking row. Unless someone is taking their sweet-ass time or obviously not ready, you don’t try to jump ahead a row to get off.

Footwear fiascos
Some believe you should never remove your footwear, but I think there is a little flexibility here. On long flights, feet can swell. I think people can take off their shoes so long as it doesn’t release the Kraken of foot odor upon the plane and they don’t start propping their damn feet on the armrest of the row in front of them. Seriously, people. Show some fucking class.

Expecting me to change seats
You can ask. There are circumstances where people really do need to move because the airline fucked them, and junior is gonna wail the entire flight because he’s crammed between two Neanderthals and mommy is 18 rows away. I will probably say yes. Depends on the situation.

But when you EXPECT me to move because of your shitty planning or just because it’s a little nicer for you and you want me to give up my nice seat for your shitty one that you can eat a box of snake cocks.

Being a shitnugget to the flight attendants
I understand that the United Airlines employment application is a single question of “Do you hate people? Y/N.” These people are about as pleasant as someone who got called in to work a double shift the night after an epic bender.

Nevertheless, be nice! We’re all crammed into this metal monstrosity together and I don’t want to hear you asking to talk to the manager because they don’t have Diet Pepsi.

Security stupidity
“Oh, here I am at the front of the security line. What is it that I’m supposed to do now? What do you mean I can’t bring this 37-ounce bottle of shampoo in my carry on? Now I’m mad and everyone here is going to know it. I want to talk to your manager!”

Entrance and exit etiquette
People have to pee. People like to drink. I like to drink. That’s why I always prefer an aisle seat, so I can pee without bothering my seat mates. But it is no bother. If the person in the window seat needs to pee. I will happily take that moment to stretch my legs to let them out, and also get up to let them back in.

Don’t crawl over people, and don’t ask people to crawl over you. If someone needs to get out or in, you fucking move your ass.

The lack of headphones
I don’t want to hear the explosions or mushroom jumping or whateverthefuck on your videogame, or the latest “stitch” commentary is on Susi’s “Call me crazy if you want but I’ve never liked store bought pesto” TikTok.  

Mom / Dad gives up
Reasonable people—especially those with children—understand that sometimes there is just nothing you can do. You do your best to calm down that holy terror you spawned, to make them sit still / be quiet / go the fuck to sleep, but it’s all for naught. If we see you trying, if we see you’re doing your best to keep the kid from going Chernobyl midflight, we appreciate it and can tolerate the disruption. By the way, have you considered shaving their head and looking for the triple six?

But the ones that put in the earplugs, don the mask, and ignore the fact that Lord of the Flies is taking place in the seat next to them … Well, just … fuck you.

Those who despise children
“They shouldn’t allow children to fly.” Dude, you were a kid once. Quit being such a fucking misanthrope and hate-staring the parent that is genuinely trying to handle their spawn and keep them from going all fed-after-midnight Gremlin on the aircraft.

If you hate kids that much, perhaps you should stay home.

How drunk do you need to be?
I’m not a fan of flying, and a couple of beers takes the edge off. Also, when the booze is free, I take advantage.

But come on. Flying is not a frat party. Show some fucking restraint.

Did the movie make you angry?
It’s a touchscreen that’s behind my head, not a punch screen, you ham-fisted protein stain.

The gate crowders
You can strategically position yourself, because I know overhead bin space is an issue, but don’t line up until your fucking zone number has been called. Peasant.

Speaking of peasantry …

Everyone in first class
I hate you because I ain’t you.

And finally, a note about seat reclining …
The only consensus is not to do it too vehemently. Don’t slam that fucker back, else you risk crashing it into someone’s knees.

But there is a division between those who say recliners are worse than Hitler, no matter how gently they do it, and those who insist on the right to recline like an American ammosexual asserts his right to buy his 85^th assault rifle without a background check and fuck you for daring to question it.

My position? Lighten the fuck up. Don’t get so upset about it either way. If you really need extra leg room, pay for it.

Did I miss any? Feel free to unload your ire in the comments.

Oh, and buy my sweary fucking history book ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY SH!T WENT DOWN.

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