On This Day in History: November 17

The Star Wars Holiday Special

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On May 25, 1977, Star Wars premiered and blew our minds. Eighteen months later, the Star Wars Holiday Special, complete with interspecies virtual-reality porn, was broadcast on CBS, and it blew minds in a totally different way. What was responsible for such a televised atrocity? Answer: Cocaine. Mountains of it.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: November 17, 1978--

Holy shit where to begin? Chewbacca travels to his home planet for Wookiee Christmas and Han Solo tags along. And because it’s Star Wars they get chased by Imperial Star Destroyers, but for once the stupid hyperdrive on the Aluminum Falcon works and they escape. Meanwhile, on Planet Wookiee, or whatever the fuck they call it, Chewie’s dad, whose name is Itchy—really, his dad’s name is the same as the homicidal mouse from The Simpsons­­—is being a dick to Chewie’s son, whose name is Lumpy. Jesus Christ. Or hairy space-Jesus birthday celebration. I don’t know. And no one knows what the fuck anyone is saying because it’s just endless Wookiee wailing without a single subtitle.

Anyway, Chewie’s wife is making a fancy dinner and worried that her husband, who has been busy blowing up Death Stars and not getting a fucking medal for it, won’t make it on time so she calls Luke and asks where the fuck are those guys and oh my god who fucking cares this catastrophe was ninety-eight minutes long.

One of the presents Itchy gets for Wookiee Christmas is a VR porn set. And he tries it out right there in the living room and things get real awkward as he . . . maybe you should just google that part. It’s not a sheepdog-looking critter he’s cerebrally jerking it to, but a very human Diahann Carroll. Speaking of dogs vs. humans, what does a Wookiee phallus look like? Is it humanoid, or some kinda red rocket looking—actually, never mind. Continues below …

If that last line didn’t put you off then I expect you’d be amenable to getting my posts delivered straight to your inbox. And so I ask you to

Somehow, they managed to reunite the entire cast for this catastrophe, and you can tell they don’t want to be there. Ford has an expression that says he’s ready to murder his agent and Fisher is obviously chemically altered. It aired on November 17, 1978, and didn’t even crack Nielsen’s Top 10 for the evening. It was panned by . . . everyone. I mean, shit, they admitted it was inspired by Donny & Marie to give it a variety-show flavor. In one scene, Bea Arthur sings in the Mos Eisley Cantina, for fuck’s sake. I was a ten-year-old Star Wars geek at the time and I bailed after half an hour.

One reviewer for The A.V. Club said the show was “written and directed by a sentient bag of cocaine.” George Lucas, upon seeing the horror he had wrought (except not really because he was pretty hands-off), thought it was so bad he never permitted it to be replayed or released in any format ever again. This is the guy who gave us Jar Jar.

Of course, it is on the internet. So, go find it, you sick fuck.

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My sweary history book is far less expensive than cocaine. Get ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY SH!T WENT DOWN. Makes a great gift for Wookie Christmas, or whatever it is you celebrate.