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Lauren Smith's avatar

I really appreciate, as always, a male voice against the alarming anti-feminist backlash in the "manosphere," which I've been loosely following for a while. Thank you for writing this. You're also dead on the mark about "egalitarian" being a buzzword for anti-feminism...I've run into this, and been suckered into it, FAR too often.

If I may offer what I think is missing from this general conversation sometimes--we sometimes boil down incels as "losers who’d rather rail against the evils of women and feminism than admit that maybe their lives would be better if they tried just a little bit to not suck so hard at life." Certainly those who embrace incel ideology are very dangerous and toxic individuals, and they do exactly what you describe.

But I've noticed a trend to describe incels/MRAs/manosphere dwellers as only interested in sex. I think they PROJECT that image /due to patriarchal propaganda/, and that it doesn't necessarily reflect what men want (which you hinted at re: men hiding their attraction to non-thin women.) Men are humans, and most humans want some combination of hugs, cuddles, affirmations, kisses, sex, affection...connections. I've read many a desperate guy who can't get a girlfriend, and his focus is not on sex but on desiring connection and support.

I think men feel pressured to over-emphasize their desire to get laid, because /this fits the patriarchal narrative/ of sexual conquest being a measure of male achievement. I wonder how many men turn to PUAs from the starting place of wanting a girlfriend, but change their self-narrative to be about "getting laid" due to Manosphere influence.

My bottom line is that I think we, as feminist-minded individuals, need to do our best to scrub any connection between "can't get laid" and "loser." I got a slight hint of that connection in a couple excerpts. Because I seriously doubt that was your intent, I wanted to add my two cents.

Thank you again!

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Paul Dowden's avatar

Maybe “... that Peterson’s eyes were brown.” could be “that the whites of Paterson’s eyes were brown.”?

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