If Trump Goes to Prison

Please please please please

That’s a really big if. Nevertheless, it’s in the realm of possibility. First off, Merrick Garland has a reputation for not fucking around. The FBI and the Department of Justice wasn’t going to search Mar-a-Fucko, knowing the shitnado of ass it was going to unleash upon them, without being damn sure they were going to find something really incriminating. You don’t go after a former president and cult leader of tens of millions of heavily armed and delusional dipshits without being really fucking sure you’ve got the evidence to justify it.

So here is my guess, and it’s a guess because I stopped making predictions after November 8, 2016, because what the fuck? Anyway, my guess is that if prison does happen, it’s going to be because of a deal. They’ll have enough against him to put him away forever, and it will take a lot of smacking upside the head and Ivanka saying daddy please daddy please and Eric making grunting noises as he looks up from his Tinker Toys and jr. saying oh yeah don’t worry Dad we’ll have you out in six weeks tops then going back to snorting rails off a copy of that “bestselling” Triggered book he “wrote.”

But eventually someone will convince him to take a two-year deal in a private built-just-for-him house arrest resort “prison” where he gets to do whatever he wants it’s just that he can’t leave for two years. Melania would visit for “conjugals” and by that I mean “appearances” but in reality she’d likely be breathing a sigh of relief of not having to touch him for a while and then doing whateverthefuck, and whoeverthefuck, she wanted on the outside. Trump would likely have a line of Stormy Daniels clones come visit any time he wanted. Although he can’t even handle walking down a ramp so I’m not sure the mushroom so much as twitches without an IV drip of Viagra. Ew. Sorry for that image.

Anyway, no internet access would be great too. Shutting him up for a couple of years would do a lot to break his hold. Another part of the deal would need to be no more running for public office. Although if we can land the apricot antichrist’s ass in prison prior to 2024 then he’d be inside for the next election anyway. And it’s not like the demented fucknut has a lot of time left so I can’t imagine what kind of shape he’ll be in for 2028, or even if he’ll be above ground.

Of course, the Trumpanzees would misplace all of their excrement no matter how comfy the conditions of his containment, but what are you gonna do? Are you going to say that it’s okay for the president to be a Manchurian Cantaloupe? It’s okay for him to attempt a coup and overthrow American democracy? It’s okay to steal top secret documents and maybe even sell nuclear secrets to foreign countries?

There are no good outcomes, just lesser degrees of fucked up. I think this is the best fucked up we can hope for.

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