Welcome to the longest grilled-cheese sandwich recipe ever. We begin with a story of an eight-year-old boy’s lunchbox. I used to like tomato soup. I would take it to school in a thermos. But then some tomato soup was left in my thermos. All summer. Come September I discovered a science experiment. Now I no longer like tomato soup, and I will not abide heathens who proclaim that a grilled-cheese sandwich be dipped in tomato soup. Fuck tomato soup.
I WAS going to give a hearty ‘like’ to this article, because you (as always) nailed it...until fucking ketchup entered the picture. As a native of the Chicago area, I am fully qualified and entitled to declare that ketchup as a condiment is an abomination, and its use for anything outside of being mixed into meat loaf (ie. as an ingredient, not as a topping!) must be dealt with harshly, and without mercy. Fuck that shit.
...But have an awesome day because, this culinary monstrosity aside, you are awesome, entertaining, and a joy to read.
…Dear Mr. Fell… I immediately and fully identified with your writing style… I also have taken to heart the immediacy and friendly intimacy that’s generated with a nice “Ya know, ya got an’ ass like a water buffalo, but I love how it stretches yer yoga pants, an’ tha vertical stripes are a big-thumbs-up”, and so on and so forth. Though from a family of vast and rigid formal rules of expression and highly educated, I’ve always fought against the over-use of “formal English” versus “NORMAL English. How many people out there can promptly raise their hands and state, “YES! I’ve completely and in its entirety understood what you just said/wrote to me”, when they hear or read, “You, are a brobdingnagian and unsurpassed example of an unacceptably boorish and crude individual whose only recourse is to utilize matching boorish and crude speech for lack of necessary manners and breeding”?… I don’t know what the fucking percentages are here, but I’m pretty sure they’d jump to 100% if anyone hears/reads, “Ya gotta mouth like a shithouse, asshole!” I rest OUR case.
Life really is too short to waste it on giving any fucks whatsoever regarding how so very many people [very hypocritically] take umbrage with our style of prose, while habitually using place-holders like “F@#K”, et al, which are basically the same thing, only the “Fer Pussies” version; BTW, my last fuck available was given over 60 years ago, and counting.
As for the “ketchup on tha side”, my only suggestion is to shove the Heinz bottle so far up yer ass that they’re gonna hafta consider calling a very small, midget speleogist ta pry it out with a crowbar; you really should consider the split-pea soup [preferably with ham hocks in the ingredients] suggestion mentioned by another commentor.
BTW, amongst other things, I’ve been a cook and gastronome for 55 of my 67 years. While it doesn’t help pay tha bills, it does makes my rat-assed friends, especially their wives, most of whom can’t cook worth a fuck, happier than pigs in shit, and that’s enough for Yours Truly. One day we might consider holding a friendly “profane” recipe competition; whoever pisses off the most people, or gets excommunicated by the Pope, for their prose, wins. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
White bread, margarine, Kraft American cheese. Throw some ham in there, too. Skip the ketchup or tomato soup (ketchup is just sweet, thickened tomato soup anyway) and serve the grilled cheese with split pea soup. Preferably homemade.
But holy hell, are you successfully using scissors left-handed? I am seriously impressed. And jealous.
Holy mother of baked goods what in the even fuck is that orange cheese?
Cheese, is made from milk.
Milk is made from cows.
And although you may argue that some cows are orange (they're not, they're brown), milk is ALWAYS white.
And so cheese needs to be white. Unless its blue.
Other than that I love your recipe, except you missed the seasoning. Season your sandwiches with cracked pepper. Or even better vegemite. Yes I WILL ALSO DIE ON THAT HILL. Thank you.
I WAS going to give a hearty ‘like’ to this article, because you (as always) nailed it...until fucking ketchup entered the picture. As a native of the Chicago area, I am fully qualified and entitled to declare that ketchup as a condiment is an abomination, and its use for anything outside of being mixed into meat loaf (ie. as an ingredient, not as a topping!) must be dealt with harshly, and without mercy. Fuck that shit.
...But have an awesome day because, this culinary monstrosity aside, you are awesome, entertaining, and a joy to read.
Haha
…Dear Mr. Fell… I immediately and fully identified with your writing style… I also have taken to heart the immediacy and friendly intimacy that’s generated with a nice “Ya know, ya got an’ ass like a water buffalo, but I love how it stretches yer yoga pants, an’ tha vertical stripes are a big-thumbs-up”, and so on and so forth. Though from a family of vast and rigid formal rules of expression and highly educated, I’ve always fought against the over-use of “formal English” versus “NORMAL English. How many people out there can promptly raise their hands and state, “YES! I’ve completely and in its entirety understood what you just said/wrote to me”, when they hear or read, “You, are a brobdingnagian and unsurpassed example of an unacceptably boorish and crude individual whose only recourse is to utilize matching boorish and crude speech for lack of necessary manners and breeding”?… I don’t know what the fucking percentages are here, but I’m pretty sure they’d jump to 100% if anyone hears/reads, “Ya gotta mouth like a shithouse, asshole!” I rest OUR case.
Life really is too short to waste it on giving any fucks whatsoever regarding how so very many people [very hypocritically] take umbrage with our style of prose, while habitually using place-holders like “F@#K”, et al, which are basically the same thing, only the “Fer Pussies” version; BTW, my last fuck available was given over 60 years ago, and counting.
As for the “ketchup on tha side”, my only suggestion is to shove the Heinz bottle so far up yer ass that they’re gonna hafta consider calling a very small, midget speleogist ta pry it out with a crowbar; you really should consider the split-pea soup [preferably with ham hocks in the ingredients] suggestion mentioned by another commentor.
BTW, amongst other things, I’ve been a cook and gastronome for 55 of my 67 years. While it doesn’t help pay tha bills, it does makes my rat-assed friends, especially their wives, most of whom can’t cook worth a fuck, happier than pigs in shit, and that’s enough for Yours Truly. One day we might consider holding a friendly “profane” recipe competition; whoever pisses off the most people, or gets excommunicated by the Pope, for their prose, wins. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
White bread, margarine, Kraft American cheese. Throw some ham in there, too. Skip the ketchup or tomato soup (ketchup is just sweet, thickened tomato soup anyway) and serve the grilled cheese with split pea soup. Preferably homemade.
But holy hell, are you successfully using scissors left-handed? I am seriously impressed. And jealous.
Holy mother of baked goods what in the even fuck is that orange cheese?
Cheese, is made from milk.
Milk is made from cows.
And although you may argue that some cows are orange (they're not, they're brown), milk is ALWAYS white.
And so cheese needs to be white. Unless its blue.
Other than that I love your recipe, except you missed the seasoning. Season your sandwiches with cracked pepper. Or even better vegemite. Yes I WILL ALSO DIE ON THAT HILL. Thank you.