When He Dies

Will it be a good thing? It depends on how, and when.

Eloquent quotes tend to find their way to more famous mouths and are often altered in the process. You’ve likely read “I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure” and seen it attributed to Mark Twain. The original quote did not arise until more than two decades after Twain’s death, and reads “I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.” It was written by Clarence Darrow, the lawyer who defended John Scopes for teaching evolution back in 1925.

The adapted version is far more relatable. Most people have never killed a fellow human, so it sets few apart to assert this. But in our highly divisible society many a pearl clutcher wishes to proclaim they’ve never wished anyone dead.

I’ve wished him dead every fucking day for the last decade. And I will dance a motherfucking Last Boy Scout jig when it finally happens.

What happens after he dies depends on both the how, and the when. Let us begin with when.

Don’t hold your breath.

Despite being demented as fuck and incapable of spewing more than a semi-cogent word salad and frequently doing the Lewy Body Lean, he appears relatively hale. When humans have access to the best healthcare on the planet, we don’t die easy. He’s still ambulatory and can still cheat at golf. Expecting him to drop dead in the next year is the most wishful of thinking. They’ll pump him full of drugs to keep his cholesterol and blood pressure in check and he’ll likely keep on destroying democracy for years to come. In my non-medical (but unfortunately experiential) opinion, he appears at least five years away from becoming undeniably enfeebled to the point of needing long-term care, at which point he’ll probably last another five or so years. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I expect it will be another decade before he finally kicks.

But what if it happened sooner?

I know plenty of people would love the 2A ammosexuals to “security of the free state” the motherfucker, but the fallout would be a nightmare. Do you want a martyr? Because that’s how you get a martyr, and a civil war. The killer could have MAGA tattooed on his eyeballs and the cult would still say he was a Democrat. The cult is violent, and deranged. It wouldn’t be an organized state vs. state let’s use capital letters “Civil War,” but rather an ongoing and horrific uprising that would give the new Couch Fucker in Chief overwhelming authority to militarily oppress everyone. The cult already considers him a demigod. Getting JFKed would have him standing next to Jesus and proclaiming a new Holy Quaternity.

Root for KFC, not .223. We want McDonalds doing the job, not Macbeth.

A lightning bolt during a live speech would be nice, if we’re looking for a lottery win. MTG would surely blame the “Jewish Space Laser,” but it would be nonetheless poetic. I myself would like a massive ischemic event that didn’t kill him, but seriously gorked his ass. Unable to walk or speak but just flail and drool. It would go a long way to breaking the spell as he withered. Considering how much suffering he has caused I don’t blame those who wish suffering be returned upon him. But his lingering torment is not my motivation. As I mentioned, it’s about breaking the spell, and not making him a martyr. A “dead before he hits the ground” heart attack might do partial work of martyring him, as the cult would likely proclaim that we were the cause of it by being so mean to him. He gave his life for the office and those dirty DemonRats did everything they could to prevent him from making things greatly racist again and his tremendous bigly heart finally could take no more giving and giving and giving and it … gave out. Some would surely proclaim it was poison, but it wouldn’t lead to war the way an assassin’s bullet would.

I’ll take the massive myocardial infarction, but a stroke would be better. A lingering enfeeblement would help shut the followers the fuck up more than a quick death. If you believe me morbid, I care the square root of fuck all. He’s one of the worst men alive, and the world will be a better place when he’s gone. Because there isn’t another cult leader ready to take his place, and he didn’t build a structure to last beyond himself.

L. Ron Hubbard was a cult leader, but he built Scientology to last beyond his death and created a system that keeps people locked into it. Same for Mormonism. Joseph Smith created a church before being martyred, and there was a powerful leader in Brigham Young waiting in the wings to keep it going.

MAGA may be a cult, but Project 2025 isn’t a holy book, and there is no church or initiation or rituals to continue to bind people together beyond his death. It’s just red hats and a stupid four-word saying that loosely binds people together via shared hatreds. The real power is in the worshiping of one man. And so long as he’s not made a martyr, the cult won’t last long past his demise or significant debilitation.

The GOP remains beholden to his every whim because of the power of the cult. Every lawmaker craves the retention of their power and their privilege more than anything else and defying the cult leader incurs the wrath of the followers, resulting in political death.

His followers won’t care near as much if lawmakers defy a newly installed Captain Guyliner, because they don’t worship him. The perceived “Strong Man” who is seen as both an “every man” as well as an “exceptional man” is rare indeed. Such a leader is viewed as a “man of the people,” and to go against him is to be “an enemy of the people.” Such rulers are uncommon, but when they arise, they can bind tens of millions together in a common and hateful cause. Currently, there is no Number 2 piece of shit to whom the torch can be passed, no institutionalization of this cult of hatred to keep them in thrall.

Things will not miraculously be all better if the fatty deposits in his blood vessels suddenly stopped the transport of oxygen to his brain, but they would still be better. Some proclaim things would not improve at all, or perhaps even get worse under the reign of Vladimir Futon creating his own Ottoman Empire, but I don’t see it. Wormtongue doesn’t have legions of adoring fans who are Sofa King willing to tase their balls to death while storming the Capitol in his name, and neither does anyone else. Speaking of January 6, what would have been most preferable was him rotting in a prison cell, but the ass-dragging Merrick Garland due-processed America right out of due process.

The power of the hate-cult is what got us into this mess. America was never great. It experiences varying degrees of enshittification, and right now it’s at peak shitty and getting more excremental each day. A couple of clogged arteries could set the nation on a path toward something a bit less made of poop.

Come on, cholesterol!

Those who cannot remember the past … need a history teacher who says “fuck” a lot. Get both volumes of On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down.