Ukrainian Defiance and the Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks
A burn that will echo through the ages
“Russian warship, go fuck yourself.”
At first, the reports were that the 13 Ukrainian soldiers defending Snake Island that told the invading Russian warship to go have sexual intercourse with itself had all died in the ensuing bombardment. That turned out to be false. The defenders repelled two attacks by the invading Russians, but eventually were forced to surrender due to having run out of ammunition. They are now being held prisoner by Russians.
Their defiance is in keeping with Ukrainian history. This is the story of the “Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks.” It’s yet another example of Ukrainians saying fuck you to a powerful invading force.
The story begins in 1675, when the Zaporozhian Cossacks who lived in what is now central Ukraine defeated the invading Ottoman Empire in a great battle. But Ottoman leader Mehmed IV was an audacious motherfucker, and the following year he sent a letter to the Zaporozhian Cossacks saying hey you need to submit to me. The conflict was part of the larger Polish-Ottoman War which the Ottomans had just won, but the Cossacks were all you may have beat them but you didn’t beat us, assbag.
Mehmed’s letter was full of all sorts of I’m such a badass kind of bullshit. Mehmed said he was brother to the sun and moon, grandson and viceroy of God, ruler of this there and that other place, and generally awesome chosen by God super warrior so you better bow down and “desist from troubling me with your attacks.”
Guess how that went over.
The Zaporozhian reply was defiant and full of creative insults. Here it is, in full:
O Sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil’s kith and kin, assistant to Lucifer himself. What the Devil kind of knight are thou, that canst not slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. Thou shalt not, thou son of a whore, make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee. Fuck thy mother.
Thou Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig’s snout, mare’s arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw thine own mother!
So the Zaporozhians declare you to be a lowlife. You won’t even be herding pigs for Christians. Now we’ll conclude, for we don’t know the date and don’t own a calendar; the moon’s in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day’s the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!
Hang on a second, I need to grab an image off the internet …
It must be said that the veracity of both letters is debated. Some say it is a true representation of what was written by both parties, and others assert that while a “hey you need to surrender” letter was indeed sent by Mehmed, and some form of “go fuck yourself” reply was sent back, that these versions of Mehmed’s letter and the Zaporozhian reply were crafted later on, with some creative license taken to be used as propaganda. Either way, it represents the defiance of the people of central Ukraine in the face of overwhelming military force.
The letter was signed by Cossack military leader Ivan Sirko. In the 19th century Ilya Repin painted a famous rendition of the cooperative effort of the writing of the letter (shown in feature photo, with Sirko as the one in blue directly above the scribe) with a bunch of guys laughing and saying “Oh, hey! Call him a son of a whore! Tell him to kiss our arse!”
Sirko became one of the most revered Ukrainians in history. Known as a military genius, he has been celebrated in song, story, and poem. In 2019, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy renamed the 92nd Mechanized Brigade of the Ukrainian Armed Forces after Ivan Sirko.
The Ivan Sirko Brigade is currently engaged in defending its homeland from Russian invasion.
Thanks to Marie for the suggestion of this story.
Get my sweary fucking history book On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down. And don’t forget to subscribe:
For some reason the phrase that, er, sticks out for me the most, in that entire lovely screed, is "the crick in our dick." Whether the letter is portrayed accurately or not, something much the same should be sent to Putin on behalf of Ukraine and the rest of the Western world. Go slay a hedgehog with your ass, Putin.