The Risk of Dehumanization

And the intrusive thoughts that come with it

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This is one of those “I’m not sure if I should write this” kind of posts. Because it talks about some dark intrusive thoughts where you wonder if other people think fucked up shit like this. And if they don’t, are they going to say wow I didn’t realize James was so fucked up I can’t believe I bought this guy’s books. I’ll just blame my ADHD and say my brain can go in directions that I don’t always have any control over, and that its actions that matter, not random musings, so please don’t sic the Thought Police on me.

I was a gentle boy. I didn’t like rough games or sports, and was not at all violent. That made me a target of those who were. Junior high was not a fun time, and I had intrusive thoughts of Very Bad Things happening to my tormentors. I’ll spare you the details, but they were vivid.

In my final grade of junior high I finally stood up to my primary bully, breaking his nose and blackening his eye. As a result, my life at school improved marginally. In high school I went through a growth spurt, met my people (which weren’t the cool people but at least they were my people), and life improved more. Having support, I began to toughen up some, not allowing myself to be pushed around. It came at the cost of losing my gentle nature, at least somewhat. For years I struggled with maintaining a balance between standing up for myself, and not being an asshole.