The last year has been hard on my fitness and my fatness.
I was stressed about Covid, Trump, and my career. So I threw myself into writing, doing more in the past year than in the previous three years combined. The amount of running I did decreased by about 80%. The amount of eating and drinking I did increased by . . . a bit.
Hopefully I’m at a turning point. I should be getting vaccinated in a couple of months, Trump is out, and my career is going well (although I’m still stressed because now it’s imposter syndrome stuff and wondering if I can sustain that success but never mind that).
I feel like maybe I’m ready to get back to really fucking fit as opposed to just pretty fit, but for right now it’s a good thing I don’t have to go anywhere because the only pants that fit are the stretchy ones.
I will not show you a shirtless photo of the current state of my belly. This is not embarrassment; it is more about compassion.
As I expect all of you know, I was a fitness / health / weight loss guy for many years. In that time I championed body acceptance and fought against fat shaming. I am not ashamed of my current state of body fat, but I would like to change it. I’d like to be leaner both for health reasons and for esthetic ones, but these are my own personal choices. And in my case, losing weight is better for my health because high cholesterol runs in the family, as does high blood pressure. When I run lots I eat better and drink less alcohol and am leaner and I feel better, sleep better, have a higher sex drive, and am generally happier. The only medication I’m on at the age of 52 is for my stomach, and I’d like to keep it that way as long as possible, although one day I’m likely going to need a statin for cholesterol.
The reason why I’m not going to show a current photo is simple. I mean no arrogance when I say that there are people who wish they had the body fat percentage that I do now. Back when I was focused on fitness and weight loss, I had a client I was helping to lose weight and I posted a photo of when I’d gained some weight and could no longer see my abs. I mentioned that I wanted to get back to seeing abs again and in a later discussion he told me, in a kind of joking manner, that he was pissed at me because he would have killed to look like my “before” photo.
And the thing is that I don’t really think he was joking.
Years ago I remember a fat acceptance champion, who was one of the more vocal and “extreme” ones, and she wrote “before and after photos are triggering.” I agreed with much of her stance but that one irked me. I disagreed, at the time, but have since come to reconsider.
I’m not going to tell anyone not to post their own before photo. People are free to do as they wish in this regard. However, for me, it’s not something I will ever do again. If I’m not happy with my current fitness, I will not post a photo and say, “I’m not happy with this.” The reason is that it could potentially be upsetting to someone who would be happy with that. It serves no purpose for me to post such a thing, and could potentially be harmful to others, so I choose to play it safe.
There is so much privilege that goes into being really fit, and I have a shit-ton of privilege. No one should ever feel guilty for not being fit.
But what I will do is post photos I am happy with. I think the “after” photo is fine, although I wouldn’t call it such. I’m encouraging of anyone to show themselves to the world and say, “I’m happy like this.” The concept of “how to get a beach body” is to “take your body to the beach” is something I 100% support. Rock what you got and fuck the toxic beauty standards.
I caution against deriving happiness from fitness and body composition. For me, there is so much else going on besides waist circumference. What it’s really about is that I’m happy when I’m running lots, because it is hard. It is mentally challenging to run 35 to 40 miles a week and when I do it that means my brain is firing the way I want it to. It means I’ve got my shit wired, and I feel good physically and emotionally. The less body fat is a by-product.
So I’m going to do a bit of writing here about this journey of getting back to a high level of fitness. And I may post some new photos eventually, but in the meantime, I’ll share some older ones, along with some discussion about what it took to achieve that.
This one is not a before and after but a “decade apart comparison.” They were also taken less than a mile apart.
Both are Maui. One is October 2009, and the other is October 2019. I was aged 41, and 51, respectively. I wasn’t as strong in the one on the right, but my daughter had also gained a bit of weight between 8 and 18, because that’s what is supposed to happen, and I struggled to get her overhead. There was a better lift where I got a full extension before that one, but my wife fucked up the photo and only got our daughter’s butt in the pic.
Looking at the one on the left my daughter said, “Shit, Dad. You were fucking jacked.”
And yeah, I was, and that was cool, but I had to hurt myself to do it. My typical chest routine would begin with a pair of 110-pound dumbbells for 3 sets of 8 on incline bench press, followed by 3 sets of 8 on a barbell bench press pushing 225 pounds. My one rep max for barbell bench press hit 315 around that time.
But my shoulders always hurt, and the aching disturbed my sleep. About five years ago I ditched all the heavy lifting about switched about 80% of my resistance training to body weight training. Lotta push ups, and a lotta chin ups. And I like it and my shoulders feel pretty good at 52, even though I’m not as strong and not as “jacked.”
My daughter and I were talking about running a couple of days ago and how “it makes you a hard motherfucker.” When I can run a lot, and go far, and be fast, I am a hard motherfucker. I like the feeling, because it’s not just physical. Any day you can get up and blast off a sub-50-minute 10K run feels like a day you can handle all the other shit life throws at you. At least, for me it does. Right now it’s not the physical barrier, but the mental one. Lingering anxiety and not being as good at it as I once was makes it hard to just put on the shoes and go.
But so now I’ve made it public. I’ve written it down.
Time to make it happen. Wish me luck.
To be continued . . .
I needed this. I was a devoted gym goer and hiker, my idea of a good Saturday was a 10 mile hike at dawn, and then I the afternoon do intervals on the elliptical for an hour and lift weights for an hour after that. During the week, I worked out pretty much every day running , hiking, weights. Then I got sick in the second half of 2019, could not exercise, had surgery and had just been cleared for exercise in early March 2020....gym closed, I was declared high risk and told to stay off trails, away from people. Athletic to pathetic is what it feels like...just passed my 2 weeks post Pfizer shot and went to gym for first time....omg, it’s like starting from zero. I don’t even remember what it felt like to start exercising, I just always have. No wonder people don’t do it...,starting is HARD, but I really can’t wait to feel like me again, so every day, hiking boots or gym shoes. Get it done.
Thank you for this. I just read this while sitting here feeling fat af for being off my fitness routine for over a year because I lost my mom and my fibromyalgia has recently flared up bad enough I had to take time off work. One thing I have been able to do is lose inches by toning and look thinner but I stayed within a 30 lb range for the last 15 years. My Dr said maintaining your weight is better than constantly losing and gaining. I have brought my cholesterol down but it's from not eating heavy meals and a lot of fried foods. And I am blessed to be almost 40 with 3 kids and still wear a size 16 as a woman living in the South. I feel like you said there are women who would kill to be my size. Or have weight be their only problem. And I can show my son that yes men feel this too! He's 13 and thinks he's fat and disgusting even though he's active and eats well. I tried to explain its just puberty but you know how it is when your parents try to tell you something. Again thanks!