The Pirate Queen of Ireland

Gráinne Ní Mháille was not to be f*cked with

Grace O’Malley is the anglicized version of the name of the Pirate Queen of Ireland. Considering her fuck-the-English attitude, I’m gonna go with Gráinne Ní Mháille. To assist you in saying it in your head each time I write her first name, it’s kinda like “grawnya.” I hope that’s right because my ancestry is mostly English, and I don’t want her to rise from the grave and fuck my limey colonizer shit up.

Gráinne was born around 1530, when Henry VIII was getting ready to punt his first wife so he could rub slippery bits with Anne Boleyn. That wasn’t the only thing Hank was doing though. He also reigned over the Tudor conquest of Ireland so that before Gráinne was yet a teen Henry had upgraded his title from Lord of Ireland to King of Ireland.

The Irish were none too pleased with that, and Gráinne, the daughter of a seafaring Gaelic clan chief, was likewise annoyed. Not only did she not appreciate the English telling her people what to do, she didn’t like it when men in general bossed her around. This included her own father.

Gráinne wanted to be a sailor, but dad was like Donner in that 1960’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer show: “No. This … is man’s work.”

“Fuck you, dad,” she said. Probably. And so, her dad changed tactics, saying well you can’t be a sailor because your hair is too long and will get caught in all the boat stuff like winches or ropes or whateverthefuck. But she said fuck you dad again and shaved her head. And I guess she proved herself worthy, because when her father died, despite Gráinne having a brother, it was she who gained control of the clan’s fleet, leading 200 men.

Which she used for piracy. Continues below …

Avast ye scurvy dogs. Cease yer historical learnin’ a wee spell an’

For years she raided other clans, and even went so far as Spain to raid. But it was not all piracy. Sometimes she engaged in trade, and other times offered her services as a mercenary. There was also a protection racket. Like, you wanna sail these waters and not die a watery death? Fucking pay me.

Yeah she got married a couple of times and had some kids but that’s not what defined her. Well, except that one kid did a bit, the fourth one from the second husband. Tibbott was born while Gráinne was at sea, and the day after he was born her ship was attacked by Algerian pirates. She left the wee lad below decks, and despite feeling less than stellar like one might expect a mere twenty-four hours after having passed the equivalent of a bowling ball via a small orifice, she grabbed a musket, charged up to the deck and rallied her men to fight off the North African attackers.

Henry’s daughter, Queen Elizabeth I, accelerated the Tudor conquest of Ireland. The queen wanted to control the Emerald Isle out of fear that the Spanish would use it as a backdoor to conquer England. Yet Gráinne didn’t give a shit what the rationalization was; the English rule of Ireland was not just an affront, but also caused the Pirate Queen much personal suffering.

See, there was this fucknugget named Sir Richard Bingham. He was an English naval commander who was appointed governor of Connaught in 1584, which is where Gráinne lived. And being a colonizing cockwagon, he made life miserable for the locals. Bingham was noted for saying that “‘the Irish were never conquered by words but by the sword.” And that’s what he did. He also wasn’t fond of Gráinne being a leader, saying she “overstepped the part of womanhood.”

When Bingham had her oldest son Eóghan (Owen) murdered and took over his castle, Gráinne responded in a way you might expect: Rebellion. The Irish clans were oft divided, a reality the English exploited. But Gráinne united many in opposition to the English crown, fighting for years against the client state “Kingdom of Ireland.”

Eventually, however, the power of Governor Asswipe and his vicious tactics could not be overcome. The year was 1593, and Tibbot, the boy whose nursing was paused so Gráinne could fuck up some Algerian pirates, was now twenty-six. Bingham captured the young man and was going to execute him, so Gráinne went to talk to his boss, Queen Elizabeth.

She sailed around the Straits of Dover and up the Thames and said hey Queen Liz it’s time to muthfuckin’ parlay. Gráinne proffered a deal to Elizabeth to give her the service of her fleet in exchange for getting Bingham to back the fuck off and let her son go.

Bingham sent a whiny letter saying but she’s “the nurse to all rebellions in the province for forty years.” And Elizabeth’s own military was like yeah she’s a traitor you gotta execute her. Elizabeth ignored them. The two women were in their sixties, and both had ample experience in putting up with men’s shit. The pair hit it off.

Gráinne convinced the Queen that Sir Richard was a total dick and Elizabeth took the Irish woman’s side. At the command of Queen Elizabeth, Tibbot was ordered released, Gráinne would have her lands returned, and the Pirate Queen was free to return to her career at sea.

Perhaps the best part was that Gráinne got to deliver the news to Bingham herself. “Hey, asshole. Me and your boss are pals now so gimme my son and my land and fuck off then fuck off some more.”

Gráinne returned to the sea and continued her pirating ways until her death at the age of seventy-three.

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