The Midnight Sky sucks balls don't watch it
The deus ex machina ending is considered the worst way to end a story, because the actual worst way to end a story is so fucking bad that no one has done it in a long time to the point that it’s not even considered an option any longer. Like, how many bath salts do you have to snort to consider this a good way to end a story? Oh, wait. I forgot. It’s 2020.
The Midnight Sky, newly added to Netflix, is the 2020 of movies, and we interrupt today’s turkey soup making for another review of a steaming pile of dogshit calling itself a cinematic experience. Fuck you, George Clooney.
Two things: I’m going to spoil every aspect of this movie simply because no one should ever watch it and if you do don’t say I didn’t warn you. Second, the previous paragraph will not be the only time the words “Fuck you, George Clooney” appear in this review. An additional fuck you to the author of the book the movie is based on, because an article tells me the film is kind of faithful, and it’s the story that sucks. But fuck you, George Clooney for deciding not only to act in but direct this interplanetary atrocity.
Spoiler: Everyone on Earth dies. Thing is, by the end of the movie, you want them to die because a species that could create such a film doesn’t deserve to live.
Okay so they discover this new moon of Jupiter that is heated from underneath and by sheer coincidence has an atmosphere that humans can breathe, and I guess also blocks out the incredibly radioactive as fuck gas giant planet it orbits but no mention is made of how radioactive Jupiter is because fuck you science. And there is a spaceship with five people coming back from a visit to say that, yeah, we can live on this shit. Meanwhile Earth became a place where we could no longer live on that shit.
Why is everyone on Earth dying? Don’t fucking know. Don’t fucking learn it either. Fuck you, George Clooney.
It’s just some spreading air contagion bullshit that kills everyone, and George is in some Arctic research station and everyone fucks off to see their loved ones as the contagion spreads so they can share a gasping last breath together how romantic fuck you George Clooney.
After everyone has left the research station you discover a young girl who doesn’t talk got left behind and if you can’t tell that she’s not really there and is just a figment of George’s imagination then you dumb.
One good thing came of this movie. George’s character is named Augustine. One of my favorite films is the western Silverado. In the movie is a boy name “Oggie” and it always bothered me who in the Elon Musk punishes their kid with the name Oggie but in watching this I realized it must be short for Augustine and I just checked Silverado on IMDB and they say it’s spelled Augie but gaining that bit of knowledge doesn’t make up for the two hours my wife and I just wasted.
Let’s wrap this bullshit up. George-Augustine-Oggie is trying to warn the ship not to come back cuz planet fucked. Meanwhile on the ship they’re wondering why no one is talking to them and it’s because everyone is fucking dead. On the ship are two women and three men and I said, “That’s not enough people to start a new civilization” and my wife well actually-ed me but she’s a doctor so I’ll defer to her expertise and Neil Stephenson made it work with seven women in Seven Evesso sure okay.
But then one of the women dies on the way back to Earth. And you see it coming even more than you see that the little girl keeping George company ain’t real. They’re doing a spacewalk and there is this foreboding moment and I said to my wife, “She’s gonna die” and sure and shit she dies a few minutes later.
Anyway, George and his imaginary friend have to go on a journey oh and by the way George has Arctic cancer or some shit and he’s slowly dying but we don’t care because fuck you George Clooney. They get to another research station with a bigger interplanetary speaker system and tell the ship hey shits fucked up down here and two of the guys on this ship say fuck it we’re gonna fly the shuttle down anyway because one guy wants to see his definitely dead family and the other one wants to take the dead woman back to Earth.
So now it’s just one man and one woman left on the ship. The woman is pregnant with the man’s child, which wasn’t in the book, but George wrote it in because the actress was pregnant. Oh, and it turns out that the woman left on the ship is actually the daughter George abandoned as a child because he was a workaholic and his girlfriend wanted an actual relationship or some shit so she fucked off and their daughter became an astronaut. And of course the little girl imaginary figment was his daughter as a child oh how fucking sweet.
So the pregnant woman and the man are gonna fly their spaceship back to the Jupiter moon as the only surviving members of humanity and ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THEY ADAM AND EVE-ED THE ENDING?!? Yep. They Adam and Eve-ed the ending.
The Adam and Eve ending is the only ending worse that deus ex machina, and no one does it anymore because it sucks that hard, but they did it.
Fuck you, George Clooney.