The Doctrine of Immaculate Conception
On This Day in History: December 8, 1854
You are likely familiar with the term “Immaculate Conception” regarding the Virgin Mary, the mother of Jesus. However, “Immaculate,” in this case, doesn’t refer to a lack of semen-stained sheets; it has nothing to do with her being a virgin.
--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: December 8, 1854--
I guess you can’t create a god by lots of grunting and sweating and spurting of DNA and only one person having an orgasm. It’s just too ignoble. According to Christian theology written in the gospels of both Matthew and Luke, Mary was a virgin who was impregnated not by Joseph, but by the Holy Spirit. I believe adult sites have an entire genre of that kind of thing. So, yeah, no sticky man-chowder involved. Got it. But Immaculate Conception doesn’t refer to any seminal lacking, but rather a dearth of sin.
On December 8, 1854, Pope Pius IX put forth an “apostolic constitution,” which is the most hey-I’m-really-fucking-serious-about-this solemn religious legislation a pope can make. It was called Ineffabilis Deus, which means “Ineffable God.” In it, he defined the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
Take note: This was not about the conception of Jesus, but the conception of Mary.
It means that from the time she was conceived, Mary was free of original sin—that whole thing about how humans are tainted from birth and destined to disobey God and woe is us do we ever suck please punish us for being wretched kind of shit. Anyway, it wasn’t just no sexy time allowed, Jesus needed a clean vessel in order to enter the world. That’s why they made up this story about how Mary wasn’t born with that sin that was made up in a different story about some guy having sex with his own rib and eating an apple. Between the Virgin and the Immaculate Conception stuff, Jesus was like the extra-virgin olive oil savior.
If Catholic Hell is real, I am ever so fucked. So are Protestants, because they were all like come on that sounds like bullshit to us. Eastern Orthodoxy, which reveres Mary, wasn’t too keen on the proclamation either. But the Catholics went hard on it, and they have an annual feast day about it on December 8 and everything.
Those who cannot remember the past need a history teacher who says “fuck” a lot. Get both volumes of On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down. They make great gifts and ‘tis the season n’ shit.
And don’t forget to
You have educated me! I never realised Mary was called Immaculate too, I thought it was the conception.
I love the explanation about “Extra Virgin”.
Well, thanks, I guess. Now I know something I really didn't need to know.
Old Pius Number Nine put out some next-level, made-up bullshit for his faithful to swallow whole. I ain't buyin' it. I've seen the birth videos and there's no way Mary didn't get a little bit of original sin on her when she slid down the birth canal. Gross!
In fact, it's no wonder we're all a little bit fucked up ... when birth is our first experience of this world.