The Disappearance of All Aboard the Mary Celeste

On This Day in History: December 4, 1872

The cover of the 1979 book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has in bold letters “DON’T PANIC.” A century earlier the captain of the Mary Celeste could have used that advice because it seems he did indeed panic, abandoning a seaworthy ship. None on board were ever seen again.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: December 4, 1872--

Mary Celeste was an American two-masted merchant sailing ship called a brigantine. She set sail from New York bound for Italy on November 7, 1872, with Captain Benjamin Briggs in command. Also on board was Brigg’s wife and two-year-old daughter, along with seven crew. A month later the Mary Celeste was found adrift about 600 miles west of Portugal, her lifeboat missing, and no souls on board.

Canadian brigantine Dei Gratia found her on December 4, 1872. Noticing the ship was sailing erratically, the vessel closed to investigate. There were a few feet of water in the hold, which was concerning but far from catastrophic. The ship was fully provisioned, its cargo intact, and no signs of violence. Rather, it seemed her abandonment was orderly via the sole lifeboat, with only some of the ship’s papers and navigation instruments missing. The last log was from ten days earlier.

Captain Briggs was a respected sailor, but it seems he fucked up. For years there were numerous hypotheses as to what happened, from sea monsters to pirates to mutiny. But all of these are easily ruled out. A more solid hypothesis was the captain was working with faulty information, and rather than get to the bottom of it, he panicked and ordered the abandon ship.

They’d been through rough weather and one of the ship’s pumps was inoperative, causing her to take on water. But with the hold jammed with cargo it was hard to tell just how much water. He also had a faulty chronometer that led him to believe he should have sighted land days earlier. What’s more, the final log entry revealed they had caught sight of the Azores, a thousand miles west of Portugal. Also, the ship had something of a shadowy past, and being that this was the 19th century, people were still superstitious as fuck. Unlike nowadays when a mere 77% of Americans believe in angels and 40% say Jesus is coming back within the next few decades.

Any-fucking-way, cursed ship + rough-weather + where the fuck is that land we should have seen days ago + oh fuck the pump is broke maybe the ship is sinking + oh hey there is land = fuck this ship let’s make for the land. Possibly. Or not.

In 2006, a chemist at University College London proclaimed the mystery solved. He replicated an explosion from the ship’s volatile grain alcohol cargo. It’s surmised some leaked and went boom and caused a fireball that was so fast it left no traces, no scorch marks or soot. But it scared the fuck out of Briggs and he ordered a rapid abandon ship because there were hundreds of barrels of the stuff and he feared imminent kerblamo.

Those who cannot remember the past need a history teacher who says “fuck” a lot. Get both volumes of On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down. They make great gifts, and ‘tis the fuckin’ season!