The APGAR Test

On This Day in History: December 13, 1958

Years ago, on Mother’s Day, my daughter entered the world and screamed her head off at how much it sucked. Her Apgar Score was excellent. What the fuck is an Apgar? More like who is an Apgar. She was an anesthesiologist who saved countless babies by creating a scoring system to quickly assess newborn health.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: December 13, 1958--

Dr. Virginia Apgar was born in New Jersey in 1909, an era when America wanted her to be not a doctor. But she was brilliant and persevered in the face of misogynistic fuckwaffles. Dr. Apgar graduated from Columbia University medical school in 1933 fourth in her class and finished her surgical residency in 1937. But the head of surgery at Columbia said women don’t do well in surgery, be an anesthesiologist. It was perhaps less paternalistic than that. Anesthesia was a new specialization that sorely needed advancement, and he said she had what it took to be a leader in the field.

Eventually Apgar became director of the anesthesia department at Columbia, as well as a full professor in 1949. During that time, doctors focused on caring for the mother after having given birth and were kinda Rocky IV Ivan Drago about the newborn: If he dies, he dies.

When a medical student asked Apgar how to evaluate the health of a newborn in 1952, a light went off. She created a quick system for doing so, and her name became not just a scoring system, but a backronym: Appearance, Pulse, Grimace, Activity, Respiration. One minute after being born, the baby was given either a 0 (bad), 1 (meh), or 2 (good) score on each. Then again at five minutes. Grimace, FYI, is about how the kid reacts to being mildly tormented. If the baby gives the facial equivalent of Motherfucker I just squeezed my head out of a tiny orifice I’m covered in goo and having a shit day so fuck off stop poking me, then that’s good. Yes, I know C-sections are also a thing.

A low total Apgar score let doctors know the kid was not doing so hot, so pay attention assholes this baby needs help. The scoring system is credited with a steady increase in neonatal survival rates after its implementation. On December 13, 1958, after having evaluated the use of her scoring system on over 15,000 newborns, Apgar published her findings in the Journal of the American Medical Association. The report asserted that one of the most useful aspects of the system was ascertaining if the newborn was in need of respiratory assistance. I mean, breathing is a brand-new thing for a newborn, and not all of them are good at it right away.

I expect Cletus didn’t do an Apgar score when Brandine was done birthin’ Brandine Jr. in their backwater cabin, but in professional medical settings the scoring remains standard practice for all newborns. Dr. Apgar died in 1974 at the age of 65. She was posthumously inducted into the National Women’s Hall of Fame in 1995.

Those who cannot remember the past need a history teacher who says “fuck” a lot. Get both volumes of On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down. They make great gifts, and ‘tis the fuckin’ season!

And don’t forget to