That Time the U.S. Did This in Guatemala

Now it's about the oil. It used to be about the fruit.

If this shit in Venezuela seems familiar, it’s because it totally fucking is. I did my master’s degree in Latin American history with a focus on U.S. military intervention in the region, of which there has been a great deal. I can say with confidence that rarely does the outcome improve the lives of the locals. Sometimes, shit gets way worse. Will things be different in Venezuela because Maduro is most certainly not a “decent guy”? Who can say? I have my doubts.

Here is my piece on American intervention in Guatemala:

America has long been a beacon of freedom and democracy in the face of tyranny. BAHAHAHAHA!!! *cough* *splutter* can’t breathe ... In 1944 there was a popular uprising in Guatemala to overthrow the president, the oppressive tyrant Jorge Ubico, replacing him with a democratically elected president who was a pretty decent guy. The U.S. said nope.

Ubico’s lips were firmly affixed to the ass of the American-owned United Fruit Company. Ubico was punted in the 1944 Guatemalan Revolution and in came Juan José Arévalo as president in a mostly free election. He wasn’t perfect, but he did some cool shit, including funding healthcare and education, and improving labor conditions. In 1951 he was succeeded as president by Jacobo Árbenz who gave unused land to landless peasants. ‘Murica said that looks like some commie shit to us, and sent in the CIA.

Lobbying by UFCO—the fruit company—played an influential role. They were all these commie fucks are making it hard for us to exploit Guatemalans so we can get bananas for cheap. Go fuck them up. And President Eisenhower said yeah commies suck I shall fuck them up.

Why was America anxious to help UFCO? Welp, Allen Dulles, who headed the CIA, and his brother John, who was Secretary of State, had been on UFCO’s payroll for almost four decades, so that might have played a small role. And while the Árbenz government was far from being communist, plenty of Americans see anything that is to the left of hunting the homeless for sport as being commie as fuck.

This is the fucked-up part. I mean, it’s all fucked up, but how they managed the coup d’état in overthrowing Árbenz was pretty masterful. Carlos Castillo Armas was a right-wing fucknugget of a Guatemalan military officer with a total Hitler moustache. The CIA said hey he’s our kinda guy let’s make him president and they funded, armed, and trained his group of about 500 men to do a coup. Castillo Armas helped in the revolution of ‘44 but didn’t like Arevalo and had been in exile ever since in neighboring Honduras.

Thing is, 500 men isn’t a lot of guys, and while the Guatemalan military wasn’t expansive, it could handle half a thousand fascist fucks trying to overthrow their democratically elected government. Unless, of course, the CIA scared them into not fighting. The CIA operated a psychological warfare program masking propaganda as radio news reports saying the Árbenz government sucks ass and Castillo Armas is so awesome. They also bombed Guatemala City, which freaked some people out. Árbenz said the invasion was a farce, and it kind of was, but the big worry generated by the psychological warfare campaign was that the U.S. was gonna say screw it and get directly involved. Fearing this, the Guatemalan army refused to fight and Árbenz was forced to resign on June 27, 1954.

Castillo Armas became president, and for decades Guatemala was ruled by a succession of brutal military dictators who maintained control via genocide.

Those who cannot remember the past … need a history teacher who says “fuck” a lot. Get both volumes of ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY SH!T WENT DOWN.