Tempe Wick and the Pennsylvania Line Mutiny

A new way to open the book

In the self-published version of On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down, the first story in the book was from January 1, 1945, when American soldiers massacred a bunch of German POWs in retaliation for fucking Nazis killing American prisoners. It’s a good story, but it didn’t have the punch my editor wanted for an opening tale. I agreed. From the beginning I didn't think it was the best choice for an opener. And so, my editor asked me to write something new, and this was what resulted. Speaking of new, you do know that the way new and improved Bantam Books version drops on Tuesday, right? You go buy that mofo.

I ended up replacing several stories in the book, as well as going through some significant edits, improvements, and WAY more photos; like seven times as many photos. It also has lots of pull quotes now, and I gotta say I love the pull quotes. The designer chose most of them and he did a fantastic job of picking those quirky James Fell sentences that make you say what the fuck I gotta read this story.

Anyway, here is the new opening tale for January 1:

Does a bear shit in the woods? Duh. Does a horse shit in the house? If you don’t want it stolen by mutineers during the American Revolution and the best place to hide said horse is in a second-floor bedroom, then yeah, the horse shits in your house. This, in part, is the story of Tempe Wick.

Tempe was a woman, not a horse. The horse’s name was Colonel. Anyfuckingway, mutiny.

The Pennsylvania Line Mutiny began on January 1, 1781, among Continental Army soldiers. If you’re American, those were the good guys. Regardless, they were pissed about not getting paid for being shot at by those tea-drinking asswipes in the red coats.

The Pennsylvania soldiers were treated like shit. In addition to no pay, the housing conditions were deplorable. Even General George Washington agreed. Literally, their rights were being violated; the state of Pennsylvania disregarded their terms of enlistment. So, they mutinied in Morristown, New Jersey, shooting one of their captains in the process, and headed for Philadelphia on New Year’s Day. Yes, alcohol was involved.

Why Philadelphia? Because that’s where the Continental Congress was located. They intended to confront the assembled Founding Fathers and other rich white dudes and say hey motherfuckers army life sucks make it suck less please. For anyone paying attention on January 6, 2021, such banging on the doors of Congress may seem eerily familiar. Except not really. Unlike the deranged followers of Tangerine Palpatine, the 1781 mutineers had no intention of actually harming any members of Congress.

So, a horse shits in a house. The mutineers raided supplies for their journey, including horses. Tempe Wick, age twenty-two, lived in Jockey Hollow, New Jersey. Her father recently deceased, she cared for her sick mother and mentally ill brother. Her mother’s health took a downward turn, and she rode Colonel to fetch the doctor. Along the way, three mutineers intercepted her and said give us that fucking horse. She said okay, asking the soldier holding Colonel’s bridle to help her dismount. Chivalry not being dead, he said sure and the moment he let go of the bridle she said, “Psych!” and kicked Colonel into a gallop.

The soldiers knew where she lived, so putting Colonel in the barn wouldn’t suffice. She led the equine upstairs and had him stand on a feather mattress to muffle his hooves, hiding him there for three weeks. Three weeks? That’s a whole mess of horseshit. Fortunately, the soldiers never thought to search the second floor and she got to keep the family quadruped.

And the mutineers? The British said hey come fight for us we’ll pay you. They said we’re mutineers not traitortraitors, so get fornicated. Then the Pennsylvania government cut a deal with the mutineers in mid-January that brought an end to the crisis. Inspired by this, the New Jersey Line mutinied days later and Washington said not this bullshit again and crushed the mutiny by force.

Those who cannot remember the past … need a history teach who says “fuck” a lot. Get the book On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down.

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