SH!T WENT DOWN: Kissinger the War Criminal

Happy birthday, you murderous fucknut

The older you get, the more things hurt, and I hope Henry Kissinger is celebrating his 100^th birthday in an assload of pain, because he is a fucking war criminal. Can you believe the bastard is still alive? A lot of other people aren’t because of him.

Exactly one century ago, Kissinger was defecated into existence, and the world suffered for it. Born in Bavaria, Germany, in 1923, when he was fifteen years old he was regularly getting the shit beat out of him by Hitler Youth patrols for daring to be Jewish in public. Additionally, his father was fired from his job as a teacher, also for daring to be Jewish, so his family wisely said it’s fuckity bye time let’s nope the fuck out of this place before they kill us. They moved to New York via London.

Side note: It was 1938, and they were lucky to escape the murderous machinations of der fuckface Fuhrer. A lot of other Jews attempted to flee Europe and were turned away, later to die in fucking Nazi death camps. Anne Frank was one such person whose family was told “Sorry, we’re full.”  

Kissinger was drafted by the U.S. Army in 1943 and served in military intelligence in World War II because of his ability to speak German. He actually did some cool shit there in terms of Nazi hunting in Germany after the fucking Nazis waved the white flag of “Please stop killing us we give up.” You will learn in the studying of history that few people are all good or all bad. Henry did some good stuff, but was also a total assbasket of a human. Let’s get to the war crimes.

We shall begin with Kissinger’s role in sabotaging the Vietnam peace talks in 1968 to help Nixon win the presidency.

Henry had been supporting Nelson Rockefeller to win the Republican nomination for president in 1968, saying Nixon was “the most dangerous of all the men running” for president. But when Nixon won the nom Henry was well shit opportunity is knocking and went all in on his support for the second most corrupt president in American history.

It was a less than a month before the election. President Johnson was not running for re-election because of the fucktacular shitnado of ass that was the Vietnam War, and LBJ—a Democrat—was desperately trying to end the war before leaving office. Part of Johnson’s motivation was that if he could do that, his vice president and Democratic replacement Hubert Humphrey stood a better chance of winning the election. But Nixon’s plan was to wreck the peace talks so that the electorate would say well fuck the Democratic Party can’t end this damn war we gotta elect the Republicans so they can stop it. And that’s what happened, with Kissinger’s help.

See, Henry was a foreign policy advisor to President Johnson at the time, and he was feeding information about the quest for peace to the Nixon campaign. Nixon then used that information to get his people to convince South Vietnam to drag their feet on the peace talks by saying he could get them a better deal once he was president.

We all know how that “better deal” worked out. After Nixon won the election there was seven more years of death and destruction followed by South Vietnam getting conquered by the North. It was Kissinger as Nixon’s spy who helped make it happen. But Henry’s fuckery doesn’t end there.

Here are some other shitty things Kissinger played a key role in:

·       Expanding the Vietnam War into Laos and Cambodia, leading to the rise of the genocidal Khmer Rouge in the latter.

·       Carrying out Nixon’s orders of the carpet bombing of North Vietnam by “Anything that flies on anything that moves.” This would kill tens of thousands of civilians.

·       In 1971, in the role of Nixon’s National Security Advisor, Kissinger backed Pakistan in their genocidal war against Bengalis that killed perhaps a million or more people. There was also a lot of rape.

·       In 1973 he masterminded the overthrow of the democratically elected Allende government in Chile cuz “communist” and helped install the murderous fuckmuppet Pinochet as military dictator.

·       Eleven days after the Chile coup he was made Secretary of State, a role which he kept under President Ford after Nixon resigned due to the Watergate scandal. Speaking of Watergate, Henry definitely played a role in that, but was able to sleaze his way out of suffering any consequences.

·       As Secretary of State, he supported Indonesia’s genocidal Suharto—who had murdered a million of his own people a decade previous after seizing power—in his invasion of East Timor in 1975. Over the next six years a quarter million Timorese people were murdered in “pacification campaigns.”

Kissinger’s approach to foreign policy lasted long after his leaving the role of Secretary of State. He pursued a path of “America first and fuck everyone else” in the country’s international relations that persists to this day.

However, as I said earlier, not everyone is all good or all bad. He did do one good thing in his position as Secretary of State. Late in 1973 he played a pivotal role in preventing the USSR from becoming directly involved on the side of Egypt against Israel in the Yom Kippur War. Israel had nukes and the Soviets were threatening to give nukes to Egypt to prevent Israel from crushing the Egyptian Army. A nuclear exchange in the Middle East almost certainly would have led to World War We Are So Fucking Fucked. Nixon was deep in the bottle at the time because Watergate was destroying what was left of his administration, and so Kissinger acted independently as a go-between with the warring parties to initiate a gradual cessation of hostilities. His traveling back and forth between the two sides who refused to speak directly to each other during these negotiations is where the term “shuttle diplomacy” comes from.

And so, it’s entirely possible that despite being a war criminal, ol’ Hank saved the world from nuclear obliteration. Happy fucking birthday you piece of shit.

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