On This Day in History: September 15

Caillou begins; parents chagrined

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It’s okay to despise a little kid if he’s just a cartoon, right? Because holy shit do a lot of people hate this sniveling little fuckstick. You think Canada Geese are evil? Canada’s Caillou is like a four-year-old drank the souls of an entire flock of geese and was raised by Chernobyl wolves while fed a steady diet of meth and Monster Energy drinks. Having not ever heard of Caillou is a blissful state of ignorance akin to having never heard the Macarena.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: September 15, 1997--

A year before our first child was born, Caillou debuted on Teletoon on September 15, 1997. And because kids are a handful, yeah, we let him watch some fucking TV. Sue us. It was referred to as an “educational children’s show,” which I suppose it was, if the intent was to educate children on how to be the most annoying little shitnuggets of their generation.

Side note: Our kids turned out awesome, despite this fucking show.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure Quebec was pissed over the 1995 separation referendum narrowly getting voted down and this show, which was originally in French, was their revenge. The show was based on some books, which I think we can assume also suck. The show ran for thirteen godawful years and the National Post referred to it as “quite possibly the world’s most universally reviled children’s program.” Even John Oliver proclaimed, “Fuck you, Caillou!”

There was no educational component, no trying to teach math or colors or morality tales; it was completely lacking in teachable moments. Just a whining brat who regularly has meltdowns over the most minor of inconveniences. People try to get him to do things and he sucks, and he cries. He also regularly beats his little sister, Rosie, and is raised by parents who I’m certain have a hydroponic marijuana operation in the basement because no fucking way could anyone tolerate such a demon child without being baked out of their skulls 24/7.

Speaking of spawn of the underworld, where is he hiding the triple 6? His taint? Fucker’s bald. Why is he bald? According to the show’s producers it’s because in the books he was way younger and so he had no hair, and when they made him older on the show adding hair made him unrecognizable.

Yeah, that’s fucking bullshit. And it’s not because Caillou has cancer. Caillou is cancer. He has no hair because he’s the worst. His hair rejected him, said fuck you and noped out. Caillou was voiced by three different girls over the years. The voice actor for the first season referred to him as “quite a whiny character.” No fucking shit. The second actor died in a car crash when she was only seventeen. Shit I almost forgot. The fucking theme song. It’s the Macarena of children’s show music.

John Oliver was right. Fuck you, Caillou.

Get the book ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY SH!T WENT DOWN