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You know who was fuckin’ jacked? Longbow archers were fuckin’ jacked. The pull on those bows was about 150 pounds, and the hyper-muscled warriors who wielded them could launch an arrow with such tremendous force it could punch a hole through most armor. Henry V used them to win the Battle of Agincourt.
--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: October 25, 1415--
You thought America was in Afghanistan a long time? This was during the Hundred Years’ War, which was a series of conflicts between the English and French over who had claim to the French throne. Like, obviously, the French were saying WE have a claim to the FRENCH throne. And the English said nuh-uh. Eat these pointy things.
The war was still four decades from being over, but this was a critical battle of English kicking French ass, even though ultimately France won the war. In 1415 Henry V brought about 12,000 men across the English Channel to Normandy and laid siege to Harfleur. The town surrendered after five weeks, but Hank lost thousands mostly to disease. Lotta dysentery going around. I can’t imagine shitting yourself to death while dodging someone pouring boiling oil on you is much fun. Continues below …
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Anyway, Henry said fuck this, things aren’t going well back to jolly old England. They headed for Calais, which was the shortest distance across the channel back home. Problem was, over 20,000 pissed-off and heavily armed Frenchmen blocked their path. The night before the battle Henry gave an inspiring speech about how yeah we’re totally outnumbered but we’re still gonna kick their asses. On October 25, 1415, in a small and muddy field in a place the French call Azincourt, the two armies faced off.
Henry positioned his archers, which were the bulk of his army, along the flanks and they drove wooden stakes into the ground to protect their positions and keep the French cavalry massed in the center. The French armored cavalry was anxious for some of that sweet war glory and “charged” headlong toward the English front lines, but the mud made it a slog and the French knights were all ah fuckin’ merde this fuckin’ mud is no bueno (or whatever the French equivalent of no bueno is). They were all bunched up together and unable to maneuver and the English archers had a motherfucking field day, even though many didn’t feel that great. Still suffering from dysentery, some cut away the soiled section of their britches so they could poop and shoot at the same time. Launch an arrow, take a shit. Launch an arrow, take a shit. It’s worth noting the arrows couldn’t penetrate a steel breastplate, but steel was expensive as fuck and many wore wrought iron plate armor that was vulnerable to the longbow, as were the horses. When they ran out of arrows, the archers fell upon the struggling French with axes, swords, and mallets.
It was a devastating defeat for the French. About 6,000 were killed compared to less than a tenth of that in English casualties. Many of the French dead were high-ranking aristocracy and military leaders. Henry took so many prisoners at one point he was paranoid he couldn’t handle them all and ordered mass executions. A few weeks later Henry returned to England, hailed as the conquering hero.
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