On This Day in History: October 14

The Battle of Hastings

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You ever wonder how those Europeans developed their talent for just showing up in some already occupied land and saying, “This shit is ours now”? They practiced on each other a lot first. That’s what the Battle of Hastings was in 1066, and the whole tale is way more complicated than just some dude who was king for less than a year getting an arrow in the eye.

--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: October 14, 1066--

Fucking hell where to begin? How about Vikings? They went from mainland Europe to the British Isles and took a bunch of that shit starting in the eighth century. And if you watch the show Vikings, the guy Rollo (I’ve interviewed the actor; he’s nice), after kicking some French ass, was granted lands in Normandy in 911. Basically, Vikings were killing and raping and stealing shit all over during this time, which leads us up to 1066.

At the beginning of that year the childless King Edward died in England and there was a succession crisis, proving yet again that inheritance is a shit system of governance. Harold, Earl of Wessex and brother-in-law to the dead king, was the richest and most powerful aristocrat so he got “elected” king. But Harald Hardrada, king of Norway, said no fucking way that English crown was promised to me. William, Duke of Normandy and a direct descendent of Rollo said no fucking way that English crown was promised to me. Harold of Wessex said bring it on motherfuckers, and they did.

Hardrada attacked first, and after an initial victory got his ass kicked—and got dead—at the Battle of Stamford Bridge on September 25. So much for the Norwegian threat. But there was still William from Normandy. Three days later, while Harold and his forces were recovering from defeating Hardrada, William landed his forces in the south of England to establish a beachhead. Harold was all oh fuck we need to get our asses down there and kick those cocknockers off our island; they hurried south and arrived tired.

The two forces met in the Battle of Hastings on October 14, 1066. The opposing armies were of relatively equal size, but about a quarter of William’s force was cavalry, whereas Harold had none such horsey soldiers. William was also a more skilled military commander. The battle raged for several hours, then Harold fell. Perhaps it was from an arrow in the eye, but others say four knights hacked him to bits. Dead is dead, and his troops fell apart after that.

William then marched across England, winning more victories, and was crowned king of England on Christmas Day. That’s how he earned the name William the Conqueror.

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