On This Day in History: November 6
Charles II of Spain and the Habsburg Jaw
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There is a reason that incest is generally frowned upon. Look at that fucking jaw. I’m gonna teach you a term you may not have heard: consanguine marriage. It’s marrying a close blood relation, and the House of Habsburg was so literally sick with it they got a fucked-up jawline named after them.
--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: November 6, 1661--
Born on November 6, 1661, Charles II of Spain was a sickly motherfucker. Because his mother was fucking a blood relative. And so was his mother’s mother. And his mother’s mother’s mother. Not that they had any choice, but that shit compounds. Pulitzer Prize winning historians Will and Ariel Durant described inbred Chuck as “short, lame, epileptic, senile and completely bald before 35, always on the verge of death but repeatedly baffling Christendom by continuing to live.”
The South Park movie has a song called “Uncle Fucker,” and Charles’s mom was a literal uncle fucker, having married her uncle to produce Charles. That was nothing new. They’d been keeping it in the family for centuries. Founded in the 11th century, the House of Habsburg was named after a German castle which is actually in present-day Switzerland. For three centuries they occupied the throne of the Holy Roman Empire until the male line went extinct in 1740. They produced kings for several European countries and even an emperor of Mexico. Continues below …
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And likely due to all the uncle fucking, or cousins, or whatever, some of them weren’t too healthy. Charles assumed the Spanish throne at the age of three, and his reign was not exactly a golden age for the nation. Charles was often sick and reportedly not the sharpest shovel in the shed.
Charles was married in 1679 and failed to produce an heir and of course his wife was blamed even though it’s been suggested he was impotent. His second marriage was in 1689 to Maria Anna of Neuburg, who came from a family known to breed like rabbits. Still no heir. Hmmm … It’s been suggested that the frequent inbreeding of the House of Habsburg led to a family rife with epilepsy, insanity, and early death. Early extinction too, because of the infertility that was also common in the family. And they didn’t just have the Habsburg jaw facial deformity, but also “Habsburg nose” and “Habsburg lip.”
Sucked to be Chuck. Wasn’t his fault his ancestors didn’t understand the importance of genetic diversity. Because of the generations of inbreeding Charles II of Spain had a genome comparable to that of a child born of brother and sister. Ew. Ironically, it was the strategic inbreeding that allowed them to keep so much power within the family, but it also doomed the family. Charles died in 1700 at the age of 38, the last Habsburg king of Spain.
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Genealogy can be revealing. I'm of Acadian ancestry. These were originally poor French peasants encouraged by their overlords to colonize the "new world". My family tree has many instances of first, second and third cousins marrying. Not to consolidate power, but because they had no choice, living in small, poor, closed communities. I worked with someone who's family was also Acadian and it turned out we were fifth cousins. And my mother was quite put out when I told her that she and my father were fourth cousins. I probably have a familial relation to at least half the people in north-shore New Brunswick.