On This Day in History: November 29
The Whitman Massacre
That must be one incredible book. Look at that photo. Wife and kids are freaking the fuck out and he’s like yeah the crotch goblins are fighting over whose turn it is to wear the shirt today just gonna ignore them and keep on readi—thwack! Tomahawk to the fucking brain.
--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: November 29, 1847--
As those of a colonial complexion invaded the Americas, they brought with them Jesus. And also, disease. Marcus Whitman was a physician at a time when they mostly still sucked cuz what the fuck are germs I don’t need to wash my hands before treating this scratch on your leg. Hand me the bone saw.
He wasn’t just a doc, but a Jeebus freak. He and his family had gone west to what is now Walla Walla, Washington to preach to the heathens about white Jesus who was born in a far-off land among a bunch of very not white people. We do not question why our lord and savior looks like Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi. It’s a miracle!
What wasn’t a miracle was the measles they spread among the Native America Cayuse tribe.
Hundreds of Cayuse died from the disease, but the white settlers didn’t, because the latter had immunity and the former did not. The Cayuse said this motherfucker is poisoning us, and it’s time for some frontier justice. Except they call it the frontier. For us it’s just the place we’ve been living for fucking ever without any goddamn measles until these assholes showed up.
Fast-forward to the brain bashing.
It was November 29, 1847, and the image in that drawing went down, more or less. Thirteen colonists were killed, and dozens more captured. A month later, the Cayuse traded the captives for blankets, clothes, guns, and ammo. But with Whitman’s death the Cayuse War had begun. As more measles-infected mayosapiens infested the region and the local populace in equal measure, there was a conflict that would last for eight years, resulting in many Cayuse deaths and them ceding much of their tribal lands.
During the war, the colonists were still pissed about the deaths of Whitman and the other missionaries and demanded justice. Five Cayuse were put on a show trial and hanged for the massacre in 1850.
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