On This Day in History: November 27

Commodus becomes emperor of Rome

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Incessant whining is tiresome, but stoicism can be toxic. Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius said, “You have power over your mind, not outside events.” Except plenty of people don’t have power over their minds. Aurelius’s own son didn’t. Commodus was a fucking douche, and Aurelius handed him ultimate power.

--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: November 27, 176--

Aurelius was one of the most famous stoics, believing that if it can be endured, it should be, and quit being such a fucking baby. There is merit in that, except when it doesn’t work. The world could use a bit more compassion for those who are struggling. Anyway, Aurelius was a tough guy and a badass who sucked up a lot of discomfort to kick ass all over Europe. It was a golden age for Rome that his dipshit son brought to a quick end.

Marcus was considered the last of the “Five Good Emperors,” although “good” is relative, especially if you’re Germanic and lying in a field with your guts hanging out while Roman legions burn your town and rape/enslave your family. It was the era of Pax Romana, which means “Roman Peace.” AKA we killed or conquered most everyone and it’s peaceful for us but it sure sucked for everyone else. Anyway, while Aurelius was kicking Northern European ass, he decided to get his shithead son Commodus involved in 172, when he was only 11. Four years later, on November 27, 176, Aurelius granted Commodus the rank of “Imperator,” putting him in command of the Roman legions. Continues below …

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A year after that, when Commodus was only 16, his father made him co-emperor. Then Aurelius died a few years later in 180 and things rapidly went to excrement.

Okay you probably saw the movie Gladiator with Joaquin Phoenix as Commodus. Already you can tell it’s not that historically accurate because he didn’t off his dad and seize power. But Commodus did fight in the arena as a gladiator. See, he was an arrogant assmunch, and also not a good or effective ruler the way his father had been. And being this was ancient Rome, the aristocracy was all conspiracy this and stab those fuckers in the back that. Commodus became fearful and deluded and Trumpian, ruling in an ever more dictatorial style via formation of a personality cult. Part of that personality was oh look at me I’m so badass Ima fight people in the arena. He always won because the other gladiators submitted to him in exchange for being spared.

Russell Crowe didn’t kill him, though. Lustful, cruel, and not terribly bright, Commodus became more of a megalomaniac, presenting himself as a demigod. He said he wasn’t son of Marcus Aurelius, but the son of Jupiter, the king of gods. In 192 he declared himself the new Romulus, first king of Rome, and people decided they’d had enough of his shit. That same year members of the nobility conspired to murder him, sending in Commodus’s wrestling partner to strangle him in the bath.

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