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It’s good to be king, or emperor. Whatever. It’s good right up until the point you decide to piss off the king of the Vandals and as payback he sends an army to sack Rome. For the third time.
--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: May 31, 455--
Petronius Maximus was born around 397 to an aristocratic Roman family. At this point in time, things were not going so hot for the Western Roman Empire. They’d spent a few centuries fucking over much of Europe and while Rome sunk into decadence, the rest of Europe popped out babies and trained them for war and then said hey let’s go south and fuck their shit up.
Maximus had a stellar early career and rose in wealth and prominence. Dude was an ambitious motherfucker, and it bit him in the ass. Although I do understand some of his motivations. Valentinian III had been emperor for almost three decades, and he lusted after Maximus’s wife, so he tricked her into having a private dinner with him. Then he raped her. Asshole. Maximus was fucking pissed but also wanted to be emperor himself. So he tricked Valentinian right back.
To snuff Valentinian he had to get rid of the emperor’s top general, Aëtius, first, so he convinced the emperor that Aëtius was going to assassinate him and Valentinian said I don’t fucking think so and he killed Aëtius himself, ramming his sword into the general’s head in September of 454. Six months of plotting later and Maximus had a friend kill the emperor and all the soldiers standing around said hey he killed our pal Aëtius so we’re cool with that.
Through some creative bribery, Maximus assumed the throne the following day. He was emperor for only two months. The first thing he did was force Valentinian’s widow to marry him, because to hell with that wife who got raped, I guess. And then he looked at his new stepdaughter and said you’re gonna marry my son. And she said but I’m supposed to marry the son of the Vandal king. And Maximus said fuck that Vandal king. And the Vandal king, named Genseric, said no fuck you and sent an army to wreck Rome’s shit.
At this point in our tale, you should be getting an inkling as to where the word “vandalism” comes from.
Knowing the Vandals were coming and that it was going to be . . . unpleasant, Maximus said ah fuck better nope out of here hey bodyguards let’s bail on this place. And his bodyguards said nah fuck you dude this is all your fault we’re not dying for you you’re on your own.
On May 31, 455, Petronius Maximus rode out of the city all alone, and an angry mob said hey that’s the usurping ass-cactus who totally fucked us, let’s get him! They stoned him to death and threw his body in the Tiber.
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