On This Day in History: March 7

Edward Wakefield is a piece of shit

AUDIO VERSION HERE

Electing assholes to senior political positions is nothing new. Edward Wakefield was a member of parliament for both Canada (when it was still a British colony, not a country) and New Zealand, helping found the latter as a nation. He was also a pile of poo who kidnapped a young girl and forced her to marry him in an effort to steal her inheritance. And it wasn’t the first time he’d done something like that.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: March 7, 1827--

This fucking guy. Born in London in 1796, when Wakefield was 20, he set his sights on 17-year-old Eliza Pattle, a wealthy heiress, and convinced her to elope because he wanted her family’s money. The parents, faced with the marriage being a done deal, said well fuck fine I guess and gave him the modern equivalent of $7 million because that’s how shit often worked back then. Eliza died a few years later giving birth to their second child, and Ed pawned the two kids off on his sister and went in search of more cash because seven million bucks wasn’t enough for this douche.

On March 7, 1827, when Wakefield was a few weeks shy of 30, he abducted 15-year-old Ellen Turner, the only daughter of a wealthy English politician. Wakefield took her to Scotland, which had weak marriage laws, and forced her to marry him in what I’m certain was a very romantic ceremony conducted by a blacksmith. Ed figured the same thing would happen as last time: the parents would say fine and give him money. But Ellen’s dad said no way fuck that guy. And by that he meant he didn’t want his sweet daughter Ellen to be fucking that guy.

Ed had taken Ellen to Paris, and her dad got the authorities involved. They traveled to Paris and said we’re taking her home. Ed said no you can’t we’re married. Ellen said he stole me I don’t want to be married to this jackass. So, they took her home and that Wakefield dickthrob got his ass thrown in prison for three years, the marriage annulled. Hooray!

Once out of prison he was a changed man. Kidding! He got big into the land thievery in the name of colonialism in Canada, Australia, and New Zealand and became a politician known for engaging in a number of sleazy schemes. To this day, there is a river, a port, and a street named after him in Adelaide, Australia.

Two years after her abduction, Ellen Turner married a wealthy neighbor and lived to the ripe old age of . . . *checks notes* . . . died in childbirth at 19.

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