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First there was Boaty McBoatface, then there was Stucky McStuckface. Or Boaty McStuckface. Stucky McFuckface? A big fucking boat got stuck in the Suez Canal and we laughed and laughed because Trump tried an insurrection and Covid was wreaking havoc and we needed some motherfucking comic relief from the hellscape that was 2021.
--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: March 23, 2021--
Were it not for Covid and Trump’s utter botching the response, it’s a near certainty Jaundiced Jesus would have secured a second term. That’s one helluva silver lining. Anyway, this fucking boat. No, wait. Some older history first. The Suez Canal not existing yet was what sent Columbus westward in search of a shortcut to India, much to the chagrin of the entire Western Hemisphere. Speaking of, it seems the Panama Canal gets all the attention. Yeah it connects the planet’s two largest oceans, and because of tides there are elevation differences that require fancy lock systems, but the Suez is older, longer, and can handle bigger ships.
The Suez Canal was completed in 1869 to connect the Mediterranean Sea with the Red Sea. It’s the Silk Road of traveling from Europe to Asia, except via water. It’s 120 miles long, more than twice the length of the Panama. Also, the Panama Canal can handle a boat width (called the boat’s “beam”—there I taught you something nautical) of 160 feet, but the Suez can take ships with a beam of 264 feet.
The 2021 blockage was nothing compared to what happened in 1956. It was called the Suez Crisis, and also the Second Arab-Israeli War. In response to a shit-ton of international Cold War fuckery that you can google, Egyptian President Nasser—who was not a rational man—seized control of the Suez, nationalized its operating company, and blocked the canal to Israeli shipping. A few months later Israel invaded Egypt, and Britain and France soon joined them to take the canal back under western control. Nasser responded by sinking all 40 ships currently in the canal and the fucker was closed for five goddamn months.
What happened on March 23, 2021, had nothing to do with international politics, but wind. The Ever Given, at 1,300 feet long, is one of the largest container ships ever built. It was part of a northbound convoy near the south end of the canal when they were caught in a sandstorm. Winds of almost 50 mph hit the ship broadside and she turned sideways and the bow got stuckymcfuckingstuck. The ships behind must have been like when some guy’s car dies on a single lane road and everyone in back is laying on the horn saying, “Get that piece of shit out of the way!”
It was stuck for six days, halting billions in trade. It’s alleged that human error was also to blame, but navigating the Suez is a fucking nightmare. Chris Gillard, who captained a container ship through the Suez once a month for a decade, said, “I’d rather have a colonoscopy than go through the Suez.”
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FAK! This is the problem with doing some stuff from memory. I was sure it was 2020 and now I look stupid and had to edit it and the audio is wrong and I'm on vacation and don't have my mic to fix it. Oof. This fucking decade.
Glad for the time delay in Australia then. I never noticed the error.
I’ve had a colonoscopy, getting stuck in the Suez (that sounds euphemistic 😂) Canal must be bad!