On This Day in History: June 27

The assassination of Joseph Smith

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You know the young fellas in short-sleeved white shirts and fancy ties who want to save your hungover soul early on a Saturday morning? The guy who started that died in a hilarious way.

--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: June 27, 1844--

The founder of Mormonism, Joseph Smith Jr., wasn’t raised in a religious family, became concerned about eternity, and prayed on the matter. God and Jesus—the other third of the Trinity was busy, I guess—appeared to him and said, “Hey, pubescent American nobody. All these other churches? Totes wrong. YOU are gonna restore White Jesus Christianity right here in this land you stole from Natives.”

A few years later there were additional visions from Angel Moron—Wait. Moroni. Joe said the angel’s name was Moroni—and then it was all hidden golden plates and sister wives and magic underpants and Black people are cursed and blah fucking blah let’s fast forward to hilarious death.

In 1844, Smith was mayor of the town of Nauvoo, Illinois (fans of The Expanse are going “Oh!”). Non-Mormons began a newspaper called the Nauvoo Expositor, and in the first and only issue exposed Smith as corrupt as fuck. Smith said fuck the First Amendment—except for real, not-fascist crybabies losing their Twitter—and sent his cronies to destroy Expositor’s printing press and fuck up the building housing it. Smith’s opposition got a warrant for his arrest. Smith declared martial law and unleashed a city militia of 5,000 zealots. The Illinois governor got involved. Smith fled. There was a posse. Smith, his brother Hyrum, and several associates surrendered themselves in the town of Carthage where they were charged with treason, a capital offense.

But there was no trial. There was no shortage of anti-Mormons who went way beyond “Get the fuck off my porch with that bullshit!” Protection of the Smiths was handled by an anti-Mormon militia: foxes guarding the henhouse. Knowing this, a Mormon church leader smuggled a small Second Amendment Freedom Blaster pistol into Joseph’s cell.

On June 27, 1844, an angry mob of 200 armed men approached the jail. Smith thought it was his pals from Nauvoo coming to rescue him, but they were like, “Ha-HA! Nope!” The “protective” detail was all “Oh, no. You can’t come in. Please don’t.” But come in they did. Hyrum was shot in the face and died almost instantly. Joseph went down in a blaze of polygamous glory, possibly wounding three of his attackers before they returned fire, two of whom allegedly later died. Hit three times, Smith fell out of the second-story window of the jail. Not convinced he was dead dead, those on the ground shot him some more.

Maybe not that hilarious. But historically noteworthy, at least.

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