On This Day in History: July 9

Catherine the Great

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Stop with the bullshit about Catherine and the horse. It’s as true as Richard Gere and the gerbil: not at all. They added “the Great” after her name because she did great and terrible things, but not with horses.

--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: July 9, 1762--

You’ve heard of Elizabethan and Victorian Eras as golden ages for Britain? Russia’s golden age was the Catherinian Era. Born to Prussian royalty without much money, she had that “marriageable” quality of being a woman and a princess, which could be used to advance familial interests.

She met her second cousin, Peter III, who would become Russian Emperor, when she was 10 and was like “Ew, gross. He sucks.” But her mom was all “Tough shit you gotta marry him so I can be rich and famous,” and so much to her chagrin Catherine was forced to marry Peter at the age of 16.

Catherine made the most of it. She charmed Peter’s aunt, the reigning Russian Empress, and dove into learning the Russian language and culture. The people liked her. Oh, and they gave her the name Catherine when she converted to Russian Orthodox Christianity. She was actually born Sophie. Anyway, she never grew to like Peter, because he was a total knob, and she focused on educating herself and reading Enlightenment works rather than entertaining her alcoholic oaf of a husband.

Pete’s aunt, Empress Elizabeth, died in January 1762, when Catherine was 32. Peter ascended and immediately began pissing off powerful nobles who just happened to think Catherine was swell. Six months later they were all fuck this guy and coup d’état-ed his drunk ass on July 9, 1762. Peter was forced to abdicate in favor of Catherine, and he died eight days later under Jeffrey Epstein-like circumstances.

Catherine reigned 34 years, the nation’s longest female monarch. She expanded education and borders alike. She invested in the arts and embraced the ideals of the Enlightenment. And yeah, she had slippery naked fun time with a lot of dudes and gave them positions of power until they bored her then she pensioned them off. So fucking what? Like no powerful man ever did that.

Catherine was meant to be a pawn, but instead proved powerful. Lotta dudes didn’t like that. After her death, critics slut-shamed her and said she died copulating with her favorite horse. That’s bullshit. She Elvis-ed her exit, stroking out on the toilet at the age of 67. Well, Elvis copied her. Whatever. They both died while pooping.

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