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In the days before television, public executions were great entertainment. Life was mostly misery and suffering anyway, so let’s watch some other poor bastard writhe in agony to take our minds off our own horrible shit. I mean, he tried to kill the king, that fancy rich guy who is mostly responsible for our wretched state of existence, so let’s watch his would-be assassin get pulled apart by horses!
--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: January 5, 1757--
It wasn’t much of an assassination attempt, which causes many historians to believe there was some mental illness involved. Robert-Francois Damiens was 42, and had trouble keeping a job due to several instances of misconduct. His nickname was “Robert the Devil.” Looking at his last name, I wonder if the screenwriter for The Omen knew the story. Anyway, dude decided to kill King Louis XV on January 5, 1757. With a penknife.
Just outside the Palace of Versailles, Damiens charged past the king’s bodyguards, who totally must have sucked at their jobs, as King Louis was getting into his carriage, and stabbed him in the chest. Being that it was winter, the king’s thick clothing stopped most of the thrust and the blade only penetrated half an inch. After he stabbed the king, Damiens just stood there and said arrest me motherfuckers, and so they did.
The king was a total wimp and thought he was dying, like that kid who had to see the school nurse after playing dodgeball. He called for a confessor and when his queen arrived at his side, he begged her forgiveness for all the other women he’d slept with. Good thing she didn’t have a knife too, or she might have finished the job.
Damiens was taken away for some torturing to get him to name his accomplices, but he said nope it was just me because fuck that king guy. So, they tried him as a regicide, even though the king didn’t die, and sentenced him to horrible public execution.
They did all sorts of nasty shit to him while people cheered it on. They crushed his feet, used red-hot pincers, burned him with molten lead and boiling oil . . . and then to finish him off, he was quartered. That involves tying each limb to a different horse and whipping them to run, resulting in ripped-off limbs. But it didn’t always work that well, and this was one of those times. They had to sever Damiens’ tendons and try again to complete the dismemberment. Then, his still-living head and torso was burnt at the stake. Ick.
Damiens was the last person in France to be executed in such a manner. Guess it triggered those liberal snowflakes too much.
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“Anyway, dude decided to kill King Louis XV on January 5, 1757. With a penknife.” I guess he thought the pen(knife) was mightier than the sword?
I remember this recounted at the beginning of Foucault’s Discipline and Punish. But your version includes some details not in the other and, of course, more swearing. I don’t think Foucault’s account had any swearing at all. Missed opportunity.