On This Day in History: January 24

Henry VIII has a jousting accident

Subscribers can listen to the audio of today’s post here.

Henry VIII was a multiple motherfucker. In his quest for a healthy male heir as well as political alliance and also following his dick, he had a series of six wives. Three of those marriages were annulled. Two wives died of natural causes. Two died of … unnatural causes. It might have been a jousting accident that turned Henry into such a tyrannical dickcheese.

--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: January 24, 1536--

His first wife was Catherine. She was pushing 50 so a total dinosaur and only one of her children lived and that was a girl, dammit. (That girl would go on to be Queen Mary.) Henry wanted a boy but the pope said fuck your annulment so Henry said fuck your religion and started his own. Then it was Anne Boleyn’s turn to play hide the royal sausage as wife #2. Then, this fucking jousting accident.

He was an English king so probably not the kindest of people to begin with. But he’d been a fun king. His court was festive, he liked to hunt, joust, and write and play music. Anne gave birth to future Queen Elizabeth I and Henry was all another fucking daughter? Then Anne got pregnant again and meanwhile Henry was having a jolly joust and his shit got wrecked. Continues below …

I gave birth to a sweary history column and holy shit people liked it and there is even more stuff for paying subscribers please click the green button.

Held at the Greenwich Palace in London, the tournament took place on January 24, 1536. Henry was in full armor, and so was his horse. Henry was unhorsed, and as punishment for making him play this stupid game the horse said fuck you and fell on top of Henry. The king was 44 years old, and the acci—wait. Why the fuck am I calling this an “accident.” Seems to me that this was a case of play stupid games win stupid prizes. This wasn’t an accident. This was an on purpose. The unhorsing of Henry knocked him the fuck out. He was unconscious for two hours. People thought he was sure to die. When Anne learned of what happened, she miscarried.

It also aggravated an old leg wound; his jousting and other sporting fun times were over. He got fat and mean. It’s believed the incident caused a brain injury that led to violent mood swings. The fact that his leg wound became chronically ulcerated likely did not serve to improve his disposition. Four months after losing the game of horsey-sticky-stabby he had Anne’s head chopped off on false accusations of treason and adultery.

He also became more and more of a paranoid and tyrannical douchenozzle. And Anne wasn’t the only wife who lost her head to Henry’s whims. Catherine Howard, who was at least three decades younger than Henry and married to him for only 18 months, was also sent to the block for alleged adultery and treason.

Henry VIII died in 1547 at the age of 55.

Support keeping this daily column free and get access to subscriber only content:

Get the book On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down.