Subscribers can listen to the audio of today’s post here.
In 380, Emperor Theodosius proclaimed Christianity to be the official state religion of the Roman Empire. In previous centuries, Roman emperors were not nearly so welcoming of the followers of Jesus. In 250 Emperor Decius decided some persecution of Christians was in order, and one of the first people killed was the pope.
--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: January 20, 250--
Decius had been emperor for a few months when he decided there weren’t enough people kissing his ass. He wanted a loyalty oath that would be made all holy not through a monotheistic belief system, but via the polytheistic Roman religion. Monotheists can be pretty uptight about acknowledging more than one god, unless that god happens to be the Christian one split into three parts, but never mind that. Decius said they had to burn some smelly shit and sacrifice some poor critter to the Roman gods in front of an image of the emperor or fucking else. The emperor’s image made it extra blasphemous because idolatry is bad.
Unless you were Jewish. Julius Caesar had proclaimed Judaism a “permitted religion,” so they got a bye on wringing some chicken’s neck over incense praise be to the pantheon shit. But fuck those Christians. We’re gonna make them do this ritual and loyalty oath that has to be witnessed by a Roman magistrate and get a certificate saying they did it and holy shit you thought vaccine mandates were bad. (Side note: vaccine mandates are good and are only necessary because of all the anti-vaccine fuckwaffles get the fucking shot already.) Continues below …
I’m triple vaccinated and looking forward to #4 and #5 and however many it fucking takes because it means I’m still alive and didn’t die from fucking covid and if I live a long time that means I need good retirement savings so please becoming a paying subscriber click the green button.
The Christian faith prohibited them from doing this ritual because “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” I’m a petty jealous beyotch god and you better be monogamous in your monotheism. Also, none of that graven image shit or I’ll wreck your shit. And so, many refused. Then the killing started.
You won’t do the loyalty oath to exalted Emperor Decius? You sure about that? We Romans practically invented creative ways to make people die. The very real threat of imminent execution had lots of Christians saying fuck it I don’t wanna die I’ll do your ritual. Many others fled, but a lot stuck around and stuck to their Jesus guns and paid the price. Some were executed, some died in prison. We don’t know how many. One of the first to die was Pope Fabian, on January 20, 250. It is uncertain if he died via execution or in prison. I mean, the whole Decian persecution had just begun and if it was in prison then he went off to the great popely beyond pretty damn fast so it’s likely someone hastened his earthly departure in one way or another.
Wasn’t all bad for the guy. He got to be a martyr and the Church made him a saint and he got a feast day and everything.
Support keeping this daily column free and get access to subscriber only content:
Get the book On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down.
On This Day in History: January 20
It has been more than 2 thousand or so years since Christians were persecuted in any systemic manner, but to listen to many of them today you'd think Decian was alive and still in power when actually it's far more likely to find Christians oppressing others than anyone oppressing them.