On This Day in History: January 16

Council of Nablus

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The two religions with the largest number of followers have a long history of not liking each other; the Crusades are a prime example. After Christians captured Jerusalem, they got to writing laws that epitomize segregation. A lot of them had to do with where people put their penes.

--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: January 16, 1120--

That’s plural for penis, FYI. Anyway, the First Crusade began in 1096 after Pope Urban II was pissed that Muslims ruled the Holy Land so he told people their sins could be washed away in a river of Islamic blood. The crusaders took Jerusalem in the summer of 1099 and killed fucking everyone, about 40,000 people. The horrors inflicted on the defenders were brutal even by medieval standards. Then the Christian occupiers established the Kingdom of Jerusalem, and two decades later wrote some laws that are mostly about repressing sexuality.

They were written by the Council of Nablus, held on January 16, 1120. While Christians held Jerusalem, and would until 1187, they were way outnumbered by Muslims. So of course there had to be laws about doing anything sinful with people who pray wrong.

The kingdom was plagued by locusts, mice, and Muslims attacks. That meant God was pissed at them so listen up motherfuckers it’s time to lay down the law and stop your sinful ways. It wasn’t totally a religious council, but a hybrid that also addressed secular matters, called a concordat. King of Jerusalem Baldwin II was of course in on it, as was Warmund, the Patriarch of Jerusalem. Plus a bunch of other religious dudes and some nobility. They came up with 25 canons. They talked about tithes and said it was okay for clergy to take up arms if it’s to kill Muslims. Also stuff about false accusations and thievery. Most of it was about the naughty bits though.

For example:

·      If you bang another man’s wife, it’s the “ordeal of hot iron.” If you get badly burned it means God didn’t heal you so off with your penis. Also, exile. And the woman loses her nose. Unless her husband takes pity in which case they can both be exiled.

·      If it’s sodomy, both “active and passive participants”—I guess means pitcher and catcher—are burned at the stake. Unless the passive one is a child or old and they were raped and they make sure to rat out the rapist. The victim is still guilty of sin, but they can repent and not be punished.

·      Don’t you fucking dare fuck a Muslim. We’ll cut your balls off, and she loses her nose.

·      Muslims can’t dress like Christians, possibly because it might make Christians want to fuck them. I don’t know.

·      They also got into stuff about bigamy laws because a lot of these crusaders had wives back home but were like yeah forget her time for a new wife.

That whole thing about not sleeping with people who aren’t part of your group/race/religion perpetuates to this day. Interracial marriage wasn’t legalized in all the U.S. until 1967.

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