On This Day in History: February 9

Bishop John Hooper is burned at the stake

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What is it about people needing to prove that their religion is the right one by setting those who practice the “wrong” one on fire? “Ha! Look at him cry for mercy as he burns to death. We sure taught him a lesson about praying wrong.” That’s what happened to Bishop John Hooper when Queen Mary I decided that Protestant Reformation stuff needed to be purged from England. With fire.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: February 9, 1555--

Mary I was the less-famous daughter of Henry VIII, Elizabeth I being the more famous “Cate Blanchett is gonna play me in two movies” one. Liz got the moniker “Virgin Queen” because she never married, although she probably did play some couch rugby. Conversely, her older half-sister was known as “Bloody Mary” because she bathed in it. Figuratively. How much blood is there when someone is burned at the stake? Doesn’t it boil away?

Anyway, Mary had a younger half-brother named Ed VI who got to be king because patriarchy. Back then, when people got sick, they were pretty sure they were gonna die because leeches don’t do shit. And so, knowing his time was nigh, 15-year-old Eddie tried to make it so Mary wouldn’t become queen because she was a Catholic who wasn’t fond of Protestants, so he wanted his cousin to be queen and plotted . . . you know what? Never mind that. Let’s get to the burning.

John Hooper was a bishop and Protestant reformer. Just like poor people voting for Trump, he was actually against the plot to make Mary not queen despite it being light years away from his best interests. Didn’t help him much, though. Hooper espoused prudish Calvinist teachings and was seen as a highly visible representation of the more radical aspects of the Protestant Reformation in England so of course the new Catholic regime had to make an example of him. With fire.

Since we were talking about nicknames, I hereby dub the poor fellow John “Sucks to Be Him” Hooper, because on February 9, 1555, he was burned at the stake for being a heretic, which I’m certain taught him a valuable lesson about the right and wrong ways to pray.

After Bloody Mary died, Elizabeth the Protestant became queen and Hooper was declared to be a martyr to the cause. His views were embraced by this new group of zealots that sprung up under Elizabeth’s reign called Puritans, a bunch of whom later fucked off to America and made the country so fucking uptight about sex that you can’t post a female nipple on Facebook without catching a ban.

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