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You wanna know why on Columbus Day people share memes telling that malignant murderous mofo to lick the tail end of a snot otter? It’s because he sucked. Disagree? So did Rush Limbaugh. And Ben Shapiro. And Marjorie Taylor Greene. And a bunch of other alt-reich doucheknuckles.
--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: February 15, 1493--
Confirmation of Chris’s cockbaggery comes from his own writings, which I’ll get to. He was looking for a shortcut to India because the Suez Canal was not yet a thing and Vasco da Gama was still five years away from finding the route to Asia via the Cape of Good Hope. In October of 1492 his ships reached the Bahamas and he was all fuck yeah India and the people there were like no dude not India and Chris said ima call you Indians. To this day the Caribbean Islands are referred to as the West Indies.
He noticed some of the people he encountered had gold earrings and being a greedy fuck he took some of them prisoner and said take me to the fuckin’ gold. He traveled around to a few other islands, then headed home in mid-January of 1493, taking some slaves with him. On the return voyage he wrote a letter to send to the Spanish Court. Dated February 15, 1493, it’s a long-ass letter and he constantly referred to the inhabitants as Indians because he still had no fucking clue. He described the journey and cool shit he saw. There was also a lot of assholery in the writing, such as:
“I discovered a great many islands inhabited by numberless people; and of all I have taken possession for their Highnesses.” Yeah shit-ton of people there but we own it now, muthafuckas!
“They have no iron, nor steel, nor weapons, nor are they fit for them … they are a hopelessly timid people.” Ripe for some motherfucking conquering, yo!
“They have no religion nor idolatry … I hope that their Highnesses will decide upon the conversion of these people to our holy faith.” Convert to Jesus or GTFO.
“I am so friendly with the king of that country that he was proud to call me his brother and hold me as such. Even should he change his mind and wish to quarrel with my men, neither he nor his subjects know what arms are nor wear clothes.” These guys are fucking pushovers. We can conquer the whole place easy.
Columbus also said that he could take for the Spanish king and queen “as much gold as they desire” and “as many slaves as they choose to send for, all heathens.” Columbus made three more voyages. On the second he sent 500 slaves back to Spain and 200 died en route. He also initiated forced labor in the Americas to dig gold and work plantations. Torture, rape, and murder of Native Americans was rampant under Columbus. This doesn’t even begin to describe what a piece of shit he was, but I’m out of space.
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"...lick the tail end of a snot otter..." Brilliant.
I wish I had said those exact words in 1978 when I unsuccessfully tried to inform my third grade teacher that Columbus did not discover America as the text book stated but that my ancestors, the Vikings, had preceded him by a few hundred years. "Discovered" I later realized meant stumbled upon for the first time by foreign explorers for purposes of trade, colonization and/or exploitation, regardless of the indigenous people that already inhabited the area for several millennia. The horrific extent of Columbus's "discovery" (such as you described so effectively) I would also later learn of outside my school curriculum. Seeing as how I grew up in the wealthiest, most powerful country in the world, one would assume I had access to the finest of educations. Unfortunately U. S. public education ranked abysmally in comparison to at least forty other countries back then and to this day still seriously sucks ass. I would like to believe that now the schools are teaching the real story of this murderous licker of Spanish royal buttocks but I don't have a lot of confidence in a country where this SOB still has his own Federal Fucking Holiday. Don't get me wrong, there are things I love about being an American and things I would like to see change, and the idolizing of someone based on the historical inaccuracies or omissions taught in our nation's schools is something that deserves change. While many now do recognize this man's travesties and try to use his "day" to promote awareness of indigenous cultures like the ones he obliterated, I'd like to see the continued evolution of what this day really means in every school curriculum across the country to always remind us of what parts of our history we can learn from and what parts we aim to never repeat. Until there is far more awareness and accuracy, seeing "Columbus Day" stamped on my calendars and knowing this human stain is keeping banks and government offices closed the second Monday in October every year is annoying and quite frankly it's embarrassing. There are plenty of heroes in America's history out there deserving of a holiday. I'm all for days off, ideally for the right reasons. Let's out him already!
Thanks and keep up the great job of showing the hardcore truth in history.