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Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a famed explorer who got fuckin’ dead. Captain Cook is revered by many, but if I was Hawaiian, I’d have ghosted his ass too. Happy Valentine’s Day, motherfucker.
--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: February 14, 1779--
An officer in the British Royal Navy, James Cook first mapped the coast of Newfoundland, then decided to check out places with warmer waters. In 1768 he commanded a scientific voyage to the South Pacific. In 1769 Cook was the second white guy to visit New Zealand, mapping the coastline. In the process his crew shot and killed nine Māori. In 1770 he traveled to Australia, not the first pasty fella to do so, sailing into Botany Bay. Before even setting foot on land Cook himself shot an Indigenous man who expressed to Cook and his crew the universal language of get the fuck off my property. Cook claimed Australia for Britain and instigated an influx of cauliflower-complexioned colonists who initiated a genocide.
Cook undertook another voyage in 1772 then his third and final one in 1776 when he encountered Hawai’i on his way to try and find that elusively non-fucking-existent-until-climate-change-melted-the-sea-ice Northwest Passage. In 1778 he was the first European confirmed to land in Hawai’i, which he promptly named the “Sandwich Islands” for his buddy Earl of Sandwich even though the locals already had a fucking name for the place. Continues below …
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The Hawaiians were welcoming, thinking that iron was some cool shit, so cool that the sailors traded nails for sex. But it was a short visit then off to North America, charting from Oregon all the way to the Bering Strait. Then there was the problem of that pesky sea ice, so it was back to Hawai’i.
Upon their return, it’s possible the Hawai’ians thought them gods. Word had spread of the first visit, and they were warmly greeted and given gifts ‘n shit. They’d sailed into Kealakekua Bay on the Hawai’i Island, a sacred harbor of the Hawaiian fertility god, Lono. And it just so happened they arrived during a festival dedicated to Lono. It’s suggested these circumstances had Hawaiians seeing Cook as the incarnation of Lono, which of course he exploited the fuck out of.
But then one of Cook’s crew died and people were the fuck these guys ain’t gods and things got heated. So they left, but their mast broke, and they returned. The Hawai’ians were far less welcoming because the season of Lono was over. There were arguments and the islanders stole one of Cook’s small boats. So Cook said fine ima take your king hostage until you give me my boat back. As Cook was trying to lure the king to his ship, hundreds of Hawai’ians gave pursuit. Cook said oh fuck gotta flee and he and his men ran for the boats. When Cook tried to launch one he was whacked on the back of the head and repeatedly stabbed. Four other sailors were killed as well.
The Hawaiians did give Cook a nice funeral though.
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I always thought them eating him was great. Sad it’s not true 😉
The 'okina (upside down apostrophe mark which doesn't exist in most fonts) is unnecessary in "Hawaiian". It's not a word in the language of the kānaka maoli,ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi, it's an English word. And "Big Island" really should be capitalized. It's not just a description. And YASSSSS! fucking fake Lono deserved it! Cook was an ass and milked the misunderstanding for all it was worth and started the VD plagues and other diseases that swept through the population.