On This Day in History: December 8

The doctrine of Immaculate Conception

Subscribers can listen to the audio of this post here.

You are likely familiar with the term “Immaculate Conception” regarding Mary, the mother of Jesus. However, “Immaculate,” in this case, doesn’t refer to a lack of semen-stained sheets. The story proclaims that didn’t happen either, but that’s the “virgin” part of the tale, not the immaculate part. It’s two totally different things.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: December 8, 1854--

I guess you can’t create a god by lots of grunting and sweating and spurting of DNA and only one person having an orgasm. It’s just too ignoble. According to Christian theology written in both the gospels of Matthew and Luke, Mary was a virgin who was impregnated not by Joseph, but by the Holy Spirit. I believe adult sites have an entire genre of that kind of thing. So, yeah, no sticky man chowder involved. Got it. But immaculate conception doesn’t refer to any seminal lacking, but rather a dearth of sin.

On December 8, 1854, Pope Pius IX put forth an “apostolic constitution,” which is the most hey-I’m-really-fucking-serious-about-this solemn religious legislation a pope can make. It was called Ineffabilis Deus, which means “Ineffable God.” In it, he defined the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Take note: this was not about the conception of Jesus, but the conception of Mary.

It means that from the time she was conceived, Mary was free of original sin—that whole thing about how humans are tainted from birth and destined to disobey God and woe is us do we ever suck please punish us for being wretched kind of shit. Anyway, it wasn’t just no sexy time allowed, Jesus needed a clean vessel to enter the world. That’s why they made up this story about how Mary wasn’t born with that sin that was made up in a different story about some guy eating an apple. Between the virgin and the immaculate conception stuff, Jesus was like the extra virgin olive oil savior.

If Catholic Hell is real, I am ever so fucked. So are Protestants, because they were all like come on that sounds like bullshit to us. Eastern Orthodoxy, which revered Mary, wasn’t too keen on the proclamation either. But the Catholics went hard on it, and they have an annual feast day about it on December 8 and everything.

Subscribe for access to cool shit:

Get my book ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY SH!T WENT DOWN