On This Day in History: December 14

The death of Queen Victoria's husband

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Queen Victoria ascended the throne in 1837 at the age of 18 and ruled for over 63 years. It was during her tenure that Britain became the empire upon which “the sun never set.” Of course, the conquered peoples mostly weren’t too thrilled about that, so let’s focus on the love story instead.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: December 14, 1861--

In 24 U.S. states it is against the law to marry your first cousin, but in Britain it’s just fine, legally speaking. From a social perspective it’s come under fire, but royalty did it all the time. Queen Elizabeth II was married to her third cousin, but Vicky went for the first-cousin lovin’ when she married her mom’s brother’s son.

She met Albert when she was 16 and wrote in her diary of how handsome he was. After becoming queen, she lamented that she believed she would never marry, because she liked being in charge and didn’t want no man telling her what to do no how. But two years after her coronation, Albert paid another visit and she was ready for sum fuk. Being queen, the protocol was that Victoria had to propose to him, and so she did just five days into his visit. They repeatedly did Shakespeare and chill, having nine kids, and to the best of my knowledge none of them had flippers, just a bit of hemophilia.

Albert was a devoted husband and father, and Victoria relied on him as an advisor in matters of state. But then, on December 14, 1861, at the age of only 42, Albert died. At the time it was believed to be of typhoid, but later supposition based on his chronic stomach pain suggested it more likely to be Crohn’s disease, renal failure, or abdominal cancer.

Victoria was devastated and secluded herself in her castle, earning the nickname the “Widow of Windsor.” She turned to food for comfort, gaining much weight, which made her even more reluctant to appear in public, but eventually she would reemerge.

After her husband’s death she became close friends with a Scottish servant named John Brown. Due to the amount of time they spent together there were rumors that Brown became familiar with the sound of a queenly queef. Recently surfaced evidence indicates that, yeah, she probably was rubbing slippery bits with the guy, and I say good for her. But Victoria never got over the loss of her beloved cousin Albert and wore black for the rest of her life—another 40 years—as a representation of her mourning.

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