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You know why I hate zombie movies? They never have a happy ending. Oh hey five of us escaped in this helicopter but the world is all zombie so we’re fucked the instant we’re out the gas the end. Fuck that. Anyway, there was a sort of zombie attack during World War I that became known as the Attack of the Dead Men.
--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: August 6, 1915--
On the Eastern front of World War I the Germans were fighting the Russians in what is now Poland. Unlike in World War II, where the Germans fought the Soviets in what was then and is now Poland. Anyway, in July of 1915, the Germans attacked Osowiec Fortress with about 8,000 men against a defending Russian force of fewer than a thousand.
After a month of fucking around, the Germans decided to gas the Russian defenders in the early morning of August 6, 1915. They used favorable winds to send balloons filled with chlorine gas toward the fort. There was a lot of water vapor in the air, which combined with the gas to transform it into hydrochloric acid.
Hydrochloric acid is one of those things that you don’t want to get on you. You know the Nazi guy at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark with the melting face? That’s pretty much what happened. So most of the Russian defenders said well I guess that’s the war for me and up and died. But a hundred of them, led by second lieutenant Vladimir Kotlinsky, said fuck this I’m gonna die with my boots on even if my face is falling off. And so these hundred dudes with no faces and coughing up blood and chunks of lung tissue charged thousands of German attackers.
And the Germans were all HOLY JESUS FUCK FARTS WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!
And the Russians killed all the Germans and stole their faces and put those face on where their own faces used to be and went home and lived happily ever after. Not quite, but the Germans were freaked right the fuck out and definitely did flee in terror from these face-melted zombies. The Germans ran so fast they got caught in their own boobytraps and barbed wire. Since it’s hard to defend yourself when you’re showing your ass to the enemy, the zombie Russians exacted a heavy toll on the fleeing Germans, taking an ample honor guard to hell with them.
Thanks, Adam, for the suggestion of today’s topic.
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