On This Day in History: August 20

The end of the U.S. Civil War

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Listen up you brainless, slack-jawed, truck-nutted, racist, shake-and-bake-meth smoking, Confederate-flag waving motherfuckers. You. Fucking. Lost. Asses kicked. Game fucking over. Traitorous troops capitulated. The official flag of the Confederacy forever shall be the waving white flag of “Please stop killing us we give up.” Deal with it. Assholes.

--On This Day in History, Shit Went Down: August 20, 1866--

Google American Civil War and the Wikipedia preview will tell you it went from April 12, 1861 to April 9, 1865. That is not entirely correct.

April 9 was the date the war “effectively ended” with the Ceasefire Agreement of the Confederacy commencing with the surrender of General Robert E. Lee, traitorous commander of the traitorous Confederate Army. But there were other traitors who kept on traitoring. It’s a word.

The Confederacy didn’t exist anymore, so every battle that took place afterward is considered a “postwar action.” The last major land engagement was a month later, May 12-13, on the banks of the Rio Grande with the Battle of Palmito Ranch. The Union forces actually attacked the Confederates, possibly because the Union Colonel, Theodore Barrett, had little field experience and wanted some of that kill-the-enemy glory for himself. But he actually lost the battle.

Multiple other surrenders followed as word spread that Lee had given up, but one “commerce raider,” the CSS Shenandoah, kept on capturing and/or sinking Union merchant vessels for another six months, finally surrendering on November 6, 1865. Some folks just didn’t want to give up their glorious idea of the Traitorous States of Enslaving America.

But shit was still going on in Texas for many more months. Plenty of traitorous enslavers fled to Texas with their enslaved as Union forces conquered their traitorous enslaving states, and there was much conflict between these traitorous whites and former enslaved. Also, Texas hadn’t yet formed a new state government. By August 9, Texas finally got her shit together and formed a government, and on August 20, 1866, President Andrew Johnson proclaimed the official end to the Civil War now that the Texas “insurrection is at an end and that peace, order, tranquility, and civil authority now exist in and throughout the whole of the United States of America.”

Yeah, that was a crock of shit. But it was basically the final wrap up. Too bad so many Confederate-flagged asspuddles have yet to get the goddamn memo. On a totally related note, fuck you, Ted Cruz.

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