On This Day in History: April 29

Joan of Arc

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When I was 17, I was attending Iron Maiden concerts and counting the days until high school was over. When Joan of Arc was 17, the iron-encased maiden was leading French troops to victory against the English.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: April 29, 1429--

In the early 15^th century, France was in deep merde. The Hundred Years’ War with England for control of the French crown had been going for, well, almost a hundred years, and they were getting their derrières kicked. Fourteen years after English monarch Henry V revealed the awesome power of the longbow against armored cavalry at the Battle of Agincourt, a critical turning point in the war was about to take place during the Siege of Orléans.

All because of an illiterate peasant girl.

Joan experienced her first vision at the age of 13 while in her father’s garden, she would later testify, asserting Saints Michael, Catherine, and Margaret commanded her to drive the English from her homeland.

Her visions were so powerful she convinced a series of French soldiers to get her an audience with Dauphin Charles, eldest son of the incapacitatingly bugshit crazy king Charles VI. Her saintly apparitions instructed her to cut her hair and wear men’s clothing to meet the dauphin. Doing the Mulan pretend-to-be-a-boy thing, Joan said to him, “Yo. Dauph. Ima lead your army, cuz angels.” (Not her exact words.)

“BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Chuck said, followed by, “Oh, wait. You’re serious. Let me laugh even harder.”

Except no, because for a generation the French had been getting fucked by the English in ways even Europeans find freaky. The regime was near collapse, the entire country demoralized, defeated. And in comes this convincing young woman saying God is on her side and Charles must have been like ah fuck it what have we got to lose?

She arrived at Orléans with the French army at her back on April 29, 1429. She wasn’t a soldier, but an inspiration. She waved a banner, not a sword. Before her arrival, the defenders of Orléans had been doing only that: defending. Joan’s encouragement prompted a powerful counteroffensive that saw the siege lifted nine days later.

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The quick victory was taken as a sign, and Joan became the French army’s good luck charm, although her strategic recommendations were also given weight by military leaders. A series of victories led to Charles finally being anointed king at Reims in July 1429, crowned Charles VII. Five months later Joan and her family were ennobled for her actions.

The following spring Joan was captured by the English, and the French were all yeah she’s outlived her usefulness so whatever. They put her on trial for both heresy and . . . cross-dressing? Yeah, fucking cross-dressing. Anyway, it took a full year for the invaders to run their kangaroo court, and she was burned at the stake on May 30, 1431. She was 19.

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