Is There Anyone to Stop Him from Nuking Iran?

A history of crazy fuckers with their fingers on the trigger

Soldier in trench during the First World War: “This is the worst war ever.”

Homer Simpson: “The worst war ever, so far.”

Soldier in Okinawa during the Second World War: “This is the worst war ever.”

Homer Simpson: …

Not once, but twice, a sizeable portion of the American electorate lost its fucking mind and handed control of America’s nuclear arsenal to an oversized Oompa Loompa with the impulse control of a toddler who just downed a half dozen Red Bull.

It’s a frightening prospect, someone who is crazier than a shitbug controlling all those intercontinental boom sticks. Except the Count of Mostly Crisco is not the only one.

The Supreme Exalted Infallible Important Incontinent Kim Jong-fuckface is an entire cave full of batshit, and he has nukes too. Yet in 2017, Coppertone Caligula was threatening to nuke North Korea. This, despite North Korea having an agreement with China, in place since 1961, that China will defend North Korea against unprovoked aggression. The United States may have a couple thousand operational (ready to fly) nukes, but the combined radioactive kaboom power of North Korea and China would give any rational person pause. Any rational person.

Thankfully, during Tangerine Palpatine’s first term, when he had an itchy nuclear trigger finger for North Korea, the Danger Yam’s chief of staff John Kelly, a retired USMC general, brought in some other military leaders and they talked him out of it.

Alas, things are different now.

Before we get all present-day apocalyptic, a bit of history.

During the Cold War standoff with the Soviets, there was great fear of a BOOB, a Bolt Out Of the Blue. The commie rats might send their missiles flying because Khrushchev stubbed his toe and spilled his vodka, and the “No, fuck YOU!” return strike had to be launched within minutes or a sizeable chunk of the ability to retaliate would be a pile of radioactive rubble. It was the whole “mutually assured destruction” thing that, crazy as it seems, probably kept us from making each other glow in the dark for several decades.

But dammit we’ve had some close calls. Somehow, cooler heads have always prevailed.

Vasily Arkhipov, a handsome devil of a naval officer who was part of the Soviet-U.S. oceanic standoff during the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis, prevented the world from being run by intelligent cockroaches. There was a naval blockade of Cuba, during which the submarine on which Arkhipov was executive officer had been too deep to have any outside communication for several days. An American ship detected his sub and dropped depth charges to force it to surface. The sub captain surmised World War III was underway and decided to launch a nuclear torpedo. The political officer agreed, but Arkhipov’s assent was also required to activate the weapon, and he said are you totally fucking bugshit? No! He convinced them to surface as assess the situation, and planetwide annihilation was averted.

Yet another close call took place in 1983 when we were once again saved from annihilation by a cool-headed Russian officer. Lieutenant Colonel Stanislav Petrov was duty officer for the Soviet nuclear early warning system. The system said hey those capitalist pigs just launched a bunch of nukes at us. Petrov was supposed to bump it up the chain of command, but he knew everyone was twitchy as shit and would probably launch a retaliatory strike first and ask radioactive questions later. He also didn’t trust the new system, because there were indications it might be a false alarm, such as the system saying it was only five missiles and not an all-out fusion fuck you as was expected with a first strike. So, he kept his mouth shut and just … waited. He had guessed correctly that it was a system malfunction and reported that instead.

What best represents what’s taking place right now, however, was during the final months of President Nixon’s term.

It was in 1973, during the Yom Kippur war. Henry Kissinger, who finally died in 2023, qualifies as a war criminal for myriad reasons. Guy was a total dick, except that one time he wasn’t, creating the concept of “shuttle diplomacy” by acting as an intermediary in negotiations between Egypt and Israel to dial down the hostilities. Nixon was drunk off his ass all the time because of the Watergate scandal, and Kissinger stepped in to calm things down. It almost went nuclear because U.S.-backed Israel was about to wreck Soviet-backed Egypt, and Moscow was threatening to give Egypt nukes to prevent their ally’s defeat. Couple this with the largest naval confrontation of the entire Cold War between American and Soviet navies facing off in the Mediterranean, and we may have faced a Road Warrior scenario where people had to scrounge for expired cans of Chef Boyardee to survive.

In 2000, the Guardian ran a story about Nixon with this as the opening line: “For most of his political life Richard Nixon was prey to drink, prescription drugs and fits of rage.” Kissinger was well aware of the dangers of Nixon’s mindset and habits, and was quoted in the piece as having said more than once, “If the president had his way, there would be nuclear war each week.”

But it wasn’t just Kissinger working to calm things down. As reported in the Telegraph, there was Secretary of Defense James Schlesinger standing guard: “During Nixon’s last days in the White House at the height of the Watergate crisis, when some were doubting the President’s mental stability, Schlesinger reportedly instructed the Joint Chiefs of Staff to check with him before carrying out any of Nixon’s orders regarding nuclear weapons.”

I don’t need to list the reasons why having Eric’s dad in charge of nukes is scary as blood in your stool. Just check his latest Truth Social posts. Unhinged? Someone ripped the door off its hinges, soaked it in kerosene, then threw it into an active volcano of narcissistic dumbfuckery.

Apricot Pol Pot is far more deranged now than he was in 2017, and his international humiliation with Iran is much worse that the sabre-rattling he did with North Korea during his first term. He done fucked up good, and there seems to be no way out of it. I fear he imagines turning the country into a parking lot is a viable solution to the fucktacular shitnado of ass his idiocy has created.

He’ll end the world to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files.

I expect that he truly wants to nuke Iran, and this time we don’t have a Kissinger or a Schlesinger or a Kelly reining him in. Twenty-fifth amendment that fucker? Yeah, right. According to the Atlantic: “Section 4 of the Twenty-Fifth Amendment allows the vice president and a majority of the Cabinet to recommend the removal of the president in cases where he is ‘unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office,’ and allows the House and Senate to confirm the recommendation over the president’s objection by two-thirds vote.”

It won’t happen because anyone in Voldemoron’s cabinet who isn’t an absolute lickspittle has been replaced. All those useless motherfuckers have a PhD in toadying. Shit, Secretary of Dick Measuring Whiskey Pete Keg’s Breath probably wants to nuke Iran as well. Just a few days ago he tweeted, “Back to the Stone Age.” Fucking psychopath.

I have a very bad feeling that right now we are the closest we’ve been to a nuclear weapon being used against human beings in a very long time.

Then what? Well, Russia is an ally of Iran, and they have an absolute assload of nukes …

In conclusion, tell those closest to you that you love them.

NOTE: This piece was researched and written by a human, not some bullshit “ai” plagiarism software.

Those who cannot remember the past need a history teacher who says “fuck” a lot. Get both volumes of ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY SH!T WENT DOWN.